CHAPTER 10

INT. -- Theater Stage -- day

The stage is empty.  Lights are down.  A loud buzzer is sounded.  A sound is heard from an intercom.

VOICE
(O-S)
Okay that's a rap.  Strike!

Two men walk onto the stage, LOU1 and LOU2.  They both wear blue workman's clothes and name tags that read "Lou."

LOU1
What's up?

LOU2
Whdaddaya mean?

LOU1
Aren't we doing this scene?

LOU2
I guess not.

Lou1 is stunned.  Lou2 hands Lou1 a hammer.

LOU2
Get to work.

They both start tearing up the floorboards fo the stage.

LOU1
But what happened?

LOU2
The big boys pulled the plug.

LOU1
Pulled the plug?

Lou2 stops and looks hard at Lou1

LOU2
Are you going to doubt every word I say?

LOU1
But why?

LOU2
Money, got too expensive.  These floorboards don't pay for themselves.

They both go back to stripping the stage.

LOU1
But the beavers!

LOU2
Oh yeah...
(yealling stage right)
Lose the beavers!

From stage right comes a MAN rolling out a cage with 20 individually-caged beavers.

MAN
But I got 20 beavers!  Genuine Mountain!  I got them airmailed from France!

LOU2
And now they're going back.

Man runs over to pull another cage out, with a man inside, in hunter's attire, holding a gun.

MAN
And the frenchman!

LOU2
Him too.

MAN
I can't believe this!

Man pulls the cages off-stage to the left.  The FRENCHMAN screams epithets in French while being pulled away.

LOU1
I don't get it, can't the studio afford the film?

Sounds of cages clashing are heard.

FRENCHMAN
(o-s)
Sacre bleu!

LOU1
There ain't no "csi"-animated lazer-shooting robots or nothin.

LOU2
You mean CGI, ya macadamia nut!

MAN
The Mountain Beavers have escaped!

The Frenchman screams like a woman and runs back to the stage.  He hides behind Lou1, gives him the gun.

FRENCHMAN
(in french)
God be with you, you are a braver man than I.

He runs off, stage right.

LOU1
So why'd they pull the plug?

LOU2
Let's just say there was a little difference in creative vision.

LOU1
Between?

LOU2
The writer and the actors, well, one in particular...

Man comes staggering from stage left.  He is completely disheveled, he has "our bitch" written on his head, and his pants around his ankles.  He stops, looks dazed, then pulls up his pants, fixes his hair, and walks toward Lou1.

MAN
Give me that gun!

Takes gun and pops it open, looks in barrels.

MAN
(yells off-stage)
Frenchman!  You pussy!  I can see you!

FRENCHMAN
(O-S, in french)
No you can't!

MAN
Throw me your amunition, and the exits that way!

Man points with gun.  An ammunition belt is thrown at him.  Then the sound of a door closing, stage right.  Man wraps belt over shoulder, a la rambo.  He pops the gun over his arm, puts in two rounds, closes it, and loads/cocks it in that macho way, with one quick hand motion.

MAN
No Mountain Beaver calls my mom a squirell and lives to repeat it.

He walks off resolutely stage left.

LOU1
Which actor?

LOU2
Actress, Mary.

LOU1
What was it?  She want a portion of the domestic and international?

LOU2
No, no, nothing like that.

A sound is heard off stage of a gun going off.

MAN
(O-S)
Die you furry sons of bitches!

More shots and the screams of Mountain Beavers.

MAN
(O-S)
There are too many of them!

Two more shots, then nothing.

LOU2
Well, you know what scene we were filming?

LOU1
Ya kidding!  Been looking forward to it since the first week!

LOU2
Heh, heh, yeah, so was I...

LOU1
Mmm, damn, and I don't think they were planning on using body doubles...

LOU2
Well, it was never official, you never know with the guy who wrote this...

LOU1
Who?

LOU2
Oh who knows, he's some writer.  Anyway, he's got a Woody Allen complex...

LOU1
Ah, likes young asian girls...

LOU2
No!  Ya cashew!  He keeps the scenes secret from the actors.

LOU1
Strange.

LOU2
Sometimes they don't get a script till the day of the shooting.

LOU1
Huh...

The sound of a door closing is heard.  The Frenchman returns from stage right, everything he says is in French.

FRENCHMAN
That was no exit!

LOU2
Woah, woah, no par les vouz frances, capiche?

The Frenchman looks around anxious.  A beaver is heard, as if taunting.  Then beaver laughter.

FRENCH
(excited, babbling quickly)
No, no, not Sartre, post-expresionist existentialism...

LOU2
Listen to me!  No ha-blo fran-co.

The Frenchman takes Lou2's hammer and starts to pull out the floor boards.  Lou1 shrugs and helps.  Once a hole is big enough, he goes inside and disappears from sight.

FRENCHMAN
(O-S)
Cover the hole!

LOU2
(yelling)
I don't speak--

LOU1
I think he wants you to cover the hole.

They both shrug and replace the floor boards over him, as best as they can.

LOU1
So, let me guess: her agent said even partial nudity was bad for image?

LOU2
No, nothing like that.

Man comes walking in slowly, he looks pale and in shock, like a POW.  He staggers and stops.  An angry beaver is heard yelling at him.

MAN
I... I'm supposed to send a message.

He looks around in despair, the beaver yells again.

MAN
They, they, they want the frenchman.

He starts to breakdown and cry.  A gunshot is heard.  He starts limping quickly back.

MAN
I'm coming!  I'm coming!

LOU2
Well, you know the chick playing Mary, right?

LOU1
The actress?

LOU2
Yeah.  Well, she's all into that method crap.

LOU1
Alright.

FRENCHMAN
(O-S in hushed tones)
Please don't to tell them where i am, i have many francs!

LOU2
Will you shut up?

FRENCHMAN
(O-S)
They are yours, please save me, I don't want to be made a bitch!

LOU2
I don't know what you're saying, nor do I care!

FRENCH
(O-S)
Please, quiet!

LOU2
(yelling loudly)
Shut up!
(normal)
Jees.

LOU1
Method acting.

LOU2
Right, well, she researched the real Mary, lived with her and shit.

LOU1
The whole thing?

LOU2
The whole thing, really Sean Penn of her.

LOU1
Wow.

LOU2
Yeah, so anyway, she read the script and...

LOU1
And?

There is sound of rustling.

FRENCHMAN
(O-S)
What is that sound?

More rustling, sound of beavers.

FRENCHMAN
(O-S)
They have burrowed through!  They have found me!

LOU2
What is he saying!

LOU1
They have burrowed through; they have found me.

LOU2
You speak french?

LOU1
Oui.

Sound of screaming below.

LOU1
Well, what happened?

Door is heard closing stage left, from stage left comes Mary.

MARY
What happened was I read the script.

Sound of more screaming.

MARY
(in french)
Quiet you!
(in english)
And I thought Mary wouldn't do what the writer wanted.

Sudo walks in from stage left.

SUDO
What do you know of what the writer should and shouldn't write?

MARY
Nothing, but I would know how Mary would act.

LOU1
Did you ask her?

MARY
(to Sudo)
What do you care, aren't you pay or play?
(to Lou)
And you're union!

SUDO
Look, we're both put in compromising positions in this scene.

MARY
You just don't get it!

SUDO
What?

MARY
I talked to Mary, the real Mary.

SUDO
And I worked with the author, so?

MARY
Listen!

SUDO
What?

MARY
She loves him.

SUDO
Who?

Sound of frenchman screaming like a woman, as Mary says name.

SUDO
Oh, that must be Ol WHF's real name.

MARY
Yeah, and their relationship is very real.

SUDO
And...

MARY
Well, she made me promise something...

SUDO
International and domestic?

MARY
No, she gave me her blessing, as long as it didn't go too far.

SUDO
That doesn't sound like her...

MARY
Okay, well, maybe she didn't say that exactly.

SUDO
I mean, really, what's going on here, why this sudden concern?

LOU1
(in french)
Are you okay, Frenchman?

Silence.  Lou1 lowers his head and sings the anthem of the French Legion.  Everyone bows their head in respect as he sings.

SUDO
So, what's going on here?

Other walks in from stage left.

OTHER
(sighs)
A sudden case of conscience.

SUDO
You!

OTHER
No, the sunconscience was all for it.

SUDO
Well, what does that mean?

OTHER
Empathy.  It's a fucking killer.

SUDO
Huh?

OTHER
He empathized with her situation.

He reaches into his pocket.  Gets a paper.

OTHER
No wait!  Let me do my "Columbo."

Puts paper back in pocket.  Adopts accent, persona.

OTHER
Ah, let me see here, where did i...

Pats around his body, looking for his paper.

OTHER
Now where is it, i had it here earlier.

Keeps looking.

OTHER
You know, i bet what it is, Mrs. Columbo was washing--

Finds it.

OTHER
Ah!  Here it is.  Ahem:
(reading)

MARY
Well, that's very mature.

OTHER
It was... of course, followed with:

Now? Now, I see the potential capacity for love in a relationship is pretty much dependent on the capacity of love in
each person.

dot, dot, dot.

Essentially, it goes down to choices and upgrades, that's my mentality. But that's because I'm not in a relationship, and
that's making me bitter. I don't know, I'm really talking in circles now.

SUDO
And that's very typical.  Where did you get that?

OTHER
Oh, I'm sorry, I've taken too much of your time already.

Still in character, starts shuffling off, waving goodbye.  Stops.

OTHER
Oh, but, sorry, I just completely forgot.  There is one more thing.

SUDO
What's that?

OTHER
What happened to the Mountain Beavers?

A herd of Mountain Beavers storm onto the stage from stage left.  They viciously attack everyone.  The carnage is quite explicit.  Jane and Jim run in, half naked, slip on the blood, fall, and are quickly half-eaten.  One of the beavers screaches something, and the beavers run off stage left.

From stage right comes Dude1, Dude2, and Madame X.  They are passing aronud a blunt as they walk.  There is blood and half-eaten bodies everywhere.

DUDE1
Dude, harsh.

MADAME X
How very Shakespeare.

The Mountain Beavers storm back onto the stage and repeat the carnage.  The song "stop the madness, where did we go so wrong?" aka "Ballad of the Mountain Beavers" plays in the background.  Fade out.