SECTION 4

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 3:34 AM

i really don't feel like writing for the greenroom, partly cause i'm tired as fuck ,nd i relaly awnu gtaho urhk.rc hold on, let me smoke first, i mean, really smoke first.  i mean, like i'm hitting this bong, and this lighter sucks, not enough flame, an like my vaporizer dimmer switch finally broke--sine i got it like, 2 years ago--i shouldn't have have it on full blast for so long, like 5 min. at full power, which is never necessary, that's why i fucking overheated, i was cleaning it out getting it ready for the chronic, now i gotta wait till i can go to a furnishing placegetta newone.

i should go to sleep i got class tomorrow.

Oh but, like another reason.  I kinda sounded a little desolate, kinda all squalor, no love, in our last episode.  Christ, i feel bad, in case anyone worried about me.  i'm a writer, shit, go through my shit enough, and you'll learn these thoughts are just like kidney stones you gotta pass them out the hard way.  i try to break them down while still in my mind, but its nto always so easy.  What th efuc is wrong with my stumoach?  greach.

anyway, daylight that aint my thing.  Besides uncut is more interesting.  "you! ain't at no damn studio!"  "ssh shh mommi, no, you can't be all, mmm, do all that, you know what i'm saying, everything will be alright mommacita, alright?"

May 7, 2003 3:53 AM

Uncut: Bellowizo, too many nights, naw. its a good song.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 3:54 AM

Hey, remember when the GreenRoom had like, art, and like shit like that?  Or writing... Well, shit the point is, wel, like, shit, i gotta do something besides typos.  So, i could explain how my parents came through, got me the money, and how that helped a lot, and i got my car fixed, and that did too, and how, i see Chillin and it makes me wonder shit.  Fuck, anyway, i could go into all that, and its all positive, but i gotta do something different.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:19 AM

i just involved my self in that, needlessly, that email, okay time, go.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:20 AM

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, yes, hold it, hold it... . cough cough cough cough cough cough coughcouhgheceo ack hackack. uckak.

you know what?  fuck it, i'm not gonig to do atyhnig for the greenroom, i'm not gonig to do anythnig for my classes, i'm going to work on my website, like old times, being almost, oh everynight, but there's always so much to do, its hard to keep on top of it all, myself.

or maybe...  i should finish this bowl.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:25 AM

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:29 AM

well, that's that, and yeah, i'm pretty high, yeah. i suppose you could say that, and yeah, i guess you could also that i do that often, and i'd say, yeah, about once a day, of given frequency within that day. 

Ah christ, but the problem is that is there's sooooooooo much to do.  So much i'd rather write about doing than do anythnig abuot. i mean, mark is leaving in mid-june, if i have his room, curtains in the (i guess it would become game room) would seem silly.  But less than five weeks, as soon as school is over, and then i may have a room and the summer of ... damn, why does everything become a seinfeild or simpsons reference in the end, damn pop-colture history.  Oh no.  i'm becomnig hungry.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:38 AM

okay, now i'm getting lost in thought and not on paper, and not on teh virtual one neither. 

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:41 AM

I just did it again.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:42 AM

And again.  Lost in thought, thoughts lost forever, no way can i remember what struck me just then.  I should really do somethin.  I must, but waht, i don't know!

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 4:44 AM

and then, yeah, i don't know if this is good for my health.  ANd you know what, who knows, maybe freud's right and i'm just avoiding the fact that I've...  been....  out, and about, just hanging out, you know... chillin...   And you know...  Suddenly that's all that's on my fucking mind and its so, just this second, okay, its over, a minute ago i had an ingenious idea.  Im hungry still, though.

Alright already, enough with this coquettishness.  Its Chillin Nature, its spring, its fucking the fancy of young boys turning, its... Damn, those kool-aid roll-up snacks are tasty, and they're discontinuing em?  horrible.  I must get more while i still can.  cherry flavor, of course.  i read this and i hear west side story... nono, i'm sorry, My Fair Lady "I Coulda Danced All Night." I watched Guys and Dolls with Chillin, we were chillin, hangin, just chillin, enjoyng the not too fresh-air.  Enjoying a person's fair company, am i not allowed that much?  So what if my memory is selective, i was just chillin, why are you...?. nevermind.

I have had ... ah fuck it.  i might see her in less than than 5 hours.  Okay, i need sleep, just to seem not like an idiot in case we meet-up, as we do.  And she has'nt gotten to see, nor have i doen it yet, ah fuck it, more names forth e girls, i'm typytp typeoing oo, i'm typoing bad, damn.  i must need sleep.  At the risk of alienating everyone, i love you all, i invite you to live in my bed and spoon me.  Haha, okay, i can't really do that.  But..  Spoon something.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003 5:07 AM

Friday, May 9, 2003 5:23 AM

Where do those days go?  oh yes, writing to girls, whatelse.  i should get a cup of mate brewing, i may share said email, but maybe i won't.  maybe i will do something else, for i feel an intense need to be productive...  not in any real way, just in web design, okay, okay, i'll work on my fucking project.  by the way, i'm in good spirits, the weed is being nice to me, my brain--even more suprisingly--is as well.  and i'm thinking about Nature, a lot more than i should, but try and stop me, lord knows i've tried stopping myself.  such a simple, and old, storyline of my life.  oh well...  But the fact is, that the only common thread of all my lll's (think shakespeare) is that i fall for smart, beautiful women, and they're not all attached and unavailable--its just a sad majority, is all.  ok, productive time.

May 9, 2003 5:27 AM

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 6:28 PM

Dude. i'm watching bet, jaheim, put that woman first, i really like jaheim.  best r&b artist to come around in a very long time. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 6:30 PM

Guy just stopped by, man, i've been social lately, i dunno.  people may like it, but i aint got shit done this last week, no writing... well, except for some emails, how about that?  No better way to describe than display. Oh shit, gotta finish an email to chillin, i dunno if i can, or if i sould, post those............  okay, i'll put that in my email, and if she doesn't care, then i'll let you in on what's occupying my mind.  but first, i gotta finish it, and i'll , well, let me finish it.  damn, i'm so behind, fucknig diurnal world, i fucking get sucked into that, i can't wait till i can sleep through all this shit soon, then we can be alone. just you and me--me and myself--and anyone who wants to watch.  haha,  okay, email first. then mental fun.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 6:38 PM

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 11:41 PM

guy distracted me, and we all played games and fun was had by all, but i didn't finish my email to chillin...  i have to edit, here's the part i excised, as usual, the most telling, most interesting bits end up on the cutting room floor.

i must have, like, a tantalus-complex or something. or something. i'd rather an oedipal complex. Tantalus isn't complex,
its just fucking frustration. How often in a day do you think of me? None? Good, i hope so. Cause only i should be in
pain (unfair word? whats fair? i mean, pain is normal, nothing unusual for me, nothing you should worry about), i mean, i
just want a smoking buddy, i assume the same of you, and i hope it satisfies you, it satisfies me, more than enough, its just...
frustrating when you think, man, that tree-candy could really fucking satiate me. i just want a smoking buddy, i like hanging
out with you, and frankly, that's more than enough, but enough isn't all i see. i see more, more, but i'm a fool, when i should
be satisfied... but i am satisfied, nor greedy, so its just... que sera, good for him, good for you, too, i assume, and good for
me to get on with my life.

i am getting on, i'm getting on fine enough. I'm doing no less than i normally do, doing no more with you than, well, i just
want to hang out, can't i? of course, we are.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003 11:53 PM

sometimes, what i delete is just superflous.  but then, the comment is lost forever, and i feel bad about that, even if its not exactly the bonnest of mots.  i hate deleting, but she deserves a trim email, choice cut, etc.  i got rid of the parenthetical, it was just parenthetical after all:

i was very polite, i asked if she was busy, whether she wanted to read her book (upton
sinclair "the jungle"--i think its overrated, but then again, never read it--i probably should, the amount of trash i talk about
it; i remember it was a hum book, and i thought it was wrong to read badly-written stuff just because it had social
significance, but sinclair was a mudraker journalist, a successful writer, i'm sure it was fairly good),

and sometimes things can be relevant, and seem to be going somewhere, but then you realize its really a long, meandering tangent, and its best to get rid of it all, like this anecdote of a girl with the same name as chillin.  my email to chillin is taking a very long time

i write a lot of things i have to delete, i have to stop myself from saying too much, or the wrong thing. i met my friend
today though, in OB, cause i was in the area. Like i told you, earlier today, things became strange because i had said
something to her, the wrong thing, and saying more made it worse, but saying nothing seem to be doing equally nothing, so
i went to see how things were. i was very polite, i asked if she was busy, whether she wanted to read her book; it was
strange, first time i think i saw her read a book. but we talked a good hour, watched the end of little nemo, which she was
playing in the store.

You know, i don't even think she was ever really that mad at me. I also don't think she got me fired, after all. It doesn't
make sense that the manager would fire me just cause of her, even if she did try to get me fired. But i never really talked to
her about it, all i had were suspiscions, but talking to her today, I finally started to think of other reasons. And I realized
that fucking up the computers (i was trying to be helpful, cause one of the two computers was down, doing nothing, i was
able to "fix" it, make it work as a register, only the records weren't synching with the other comps), causing business to go
down (ergo his "busines is down a third" comment), and evidentally for a whole month people had incorrect late fees. She
said the manager was livid that whole time, and she lost her raise. As usual, the rule of life applies:

"no one cares as much about you, in the way that you think they do, as much as you think they do, so get over yourself." I
can't believe it took me this long to realize that my fucknig up the computers, even though it was done with the best
intentions, was what probably got me fired. I couldn't believe it: a) cause i thought if the heart was in the right place... but
that's naive, and b) i thought my making that comment--oh god, now i'm realizing the irony--about my superiority at
computers, god... was what made her mad at me, that she was mad at me, and that she got me fired. How stupid i am,
sometimes, honestly. But rather than reassuring me, this has just made me realize how little i know about people. I think
the rule of life is really true, though, i should have looked at it from their perspectives, to what they were losing... okay, this
is totally off topic.

Thursday, May 15, 2003 0:47 AM

so now we gotta wait till her response till i put up our emails.  i feel bad, everyone out there in cyberspace, all completely unconscerned with my life, have no idea what's not going on with it.  I need to write more empty words about nonsense and uselss non-information. but an email is always good for that.  fuck.  we'll see.

Thursday, May 15, 2003 3:44 AM

calooh and callay, today, is a special day, for today, i got my pills!!!  Finally, we'll see if anyone else will notice, i already notice, just took my zoloft, and i'm feelin that sleepy sensation, better than "tired" its "sleepy."  i'll be sleeping soon, but first, i've been ubersuperslackin on my chores and shiznit around the house, then i can sleep, jesus, i'm tired, i'm like real tired, i think i'm going to have one hell of a night's rest.  And tomorrow morning?  Welbutrin, oh yeh.  Tomorrow i'm gonna carpe all over that diem.  How long was it?  Since April 25.  It was quite a while, damn.  No one will notice, well, maybe they will, good or bad, but no one will notice as much as i.  Not everyone knows how frustrating it is to have suicidal thoughts and know, rationally, that its all just chemical, and if i were to just have more of it, i wouldn't be thinking such odious thoughts.  Well, anyway, i'm really getting sleepy...  Good sleepy, but i gotta take care of fucking chores.  Nite all, tomorrow its business as usual.

Sunday, May 18, 2003 1:33 AM

i'm not looking forward to my email to my dad for more money.  i write it so often, i wish i didn't have to every time... But hey, its better than a job.  Pay wise.  Not necessarily in respect.  but i've always felt like, fuck, opressed.  I know, i'm no kunta kinte, however he's spelled, but i know sometimes how the opressed don't always feel like justifying their self-categorization.  If they are even willing to admit themselves as oppressed.  Eventually something stops being a travesty and starts becoming life.  Its just what you know.  You know, that stuff i traded is really tasty, i must commend the girl if i see her again.

No one you know, nor need knowing, odds aren't good i'll see her again.  Just a passing acquaintance.  You know, we were smokin, part of a larger group, she asked me how much ...   I said, "never sling, only trade."  Even friends, even the closest friends, if they had nothing, and they couldn't hook it up, i'd give them some of mine, as long as they repayed me later. And I'd never take money, only the leafier green.  Cause trading, that's not the same.  I'll never sling, i admire the slingers, well the strictly green-slingers, for taking the risk to provide such a charitable contribution onto society.  Frankly, i don't want money, i'd just eventually use it to get the leafy.  Or, as i was thinking, to Jake.  The 'nich.  So, you ask me for the 'nich, i'll know what you're saying.

jake: so, you good now?
me: Are you good, you and Mark, jesus.
jake: yeah, we drank... a lot.
me: No kidding. (I go walking through the parking lot with a bit of spring to my step)
jake: Look at you, get a little w*** in your system, and you're like pop-eye.
me: Yeah its my spinach.  (chuckle to self.)  My 'nich.
jake: (agreeing) Your 'nich.
me: You know, like spinach.
jake: Yeah... (And he said it in that tone, you know, of someone who has to deal with an idiot.)
me: I'm serious, like you guys, i mean.  And Mark...  Mark drank like, straight, hard al--
jake: (interrupting) --yeah, we all drank... a lot.  (short pause)   But Mark yeah...  You should have seen the German.  I mean, for him.  But yeah, i'm pretty fucked up too.
me: I can't believe I got the German to smoke!  That's was fucking cool.
jake: Yeah, look at you... (speaking at my enthusiasm, lacking from the rest of the night.)
me: Well, you know this

  I chose not to drink, I knew i could have a beer or two if i really felt like it, but drank, nor smoked, and drove sometimes too many people in my little )

Sunday, May 18, 2003 3:33 PM

not only didn't i finish that, i forgot to upload.  i'll do that first, you got the jist anyway.

Sunday, May 18, 2003 9:44 PM

i never did finish that...  its supposde to go, oh fuck it.  never mind.  anyway, jesus, i need to get on with sutff.  okay, one sec, let me gather.  okay.  puff

heat-gun vaporizing.  pretty tasty.  i need to do something though, soon.  i dunno what.  we'll see.  so many things i said i would do, such a stoner, try 10 things all at once, but eventually one of them gets finished.

Monday, May 19, 2003 8:00 AM

Monday, May 19, 2003 8:24 AM

i'm just lost in thought, jesus.  right now, actually, i'm just trying desperately to stay awake.  smoking in a way to reward myself.  its so ... bad? how i make it a reward system--sometimes its the only way to get things done and live the life i do.  Where, i get like, at least one or two good highs...  I know what some people might think:

"Why get a 'high.'  What good is that?  How can it be that fun, you do it everyday.  Your brain, what, feels really happy?  And for that you spend etc. etc. blah blah"

A high is a precious momment of a day, its like a sunset and a sunrise, if you gave a shit abotu those things.  Well, i'm just saying its something i can do almost everyday, that i enjoy, and , uh...  okay, that's not exactly a mind-blowing argument.  Why mind-blowing? expanding? these are the best gerunds we could come up with for the effects...  I don't know...  Ah yes, i do know.

its not really the best excuse, but it does kinda make sense.  Well, i need some kind of fuel for my artistic expression.  Like, stress, but i don't like stress.  Stress, would, say keep me from sleeping, and then i would have to write.  I'd write till the words released the angst within me.  Then i could sleep.  So, i could just not sleep...  Or, i could use hydrogen.  Or rather, nich. or rather, dan.  maybe i'll roll him up and smoke him.  haha

So i start to smoke, and my mind has like this little guy inside.  He's one of those old rail-road miner characatures.  You know, the guy with the long white beard, with the...  thing that goes along the railroad tracks that has that...  thing...  you push on it, and it like, goes up and down, you know, it usually takes two people...  (believe it or not i'm trying to entertain.)  Anyway, that guy, he's asleep most of the time, dreaming of the mother lode, or whatever. Coal miner.  that's what i'm thinking of.  anyway, he gets woken up.  Then he immediately, before even orienting himself, starts push down and pulling up on that lever thing on that cart thing.  and he pumps prodigiously, and his little cart goes over hills and down into valleys and into holes in the sides of mountains.   and then he comes out the other side, and spirals down, and spirals up, backward, and then loop-de-loop and then leep-do-leep and then...  He stops, takes out a big red hankerchief and wipes his brow, he's a bit tired, but what a journey!

Shit, i just gotta stay awake for another hour.  I can make it.  i want to smoke more, to encourage myself, but i've already smoken a SHIT load.  More than...  Well, i don't know about that.  but i'm not that bad. i just.  jesus, where am i going...  I can see my little old man, pumping furiously, paying me no mind, evidentally had no idea he was not only going when not expected, he was not even going in that positive a direction.

I'm getting on with my life, certain things will not weigh me down.

What things?  Anyone who knew me as well as i know myself would know when i don't talk about somethnig, that something, is almost always, invariably, something i shouldn't be thiknig about. and usually its a girl, i shouldn't be thiking about.  and that's where i'll leave it.  otherwise, i'm good, and doing dandy. So many projects... oh, but check it out, i got half the curtains up, okay, one of three, i mean, shit things are getting done...  lets see, how long have i been talking about putting up those curtains?

That's a rhetoracial quesiton, I of course knew the answer to that.  oh what the fuck, why not another little tiny chronugglett. take me but two seconds, but just to be safe, i'll upload first...  J.B. might be going to work soon, i wouldn't want him to have to smell it in the two seconds he's between his room and the door out to work.  its cool, i ain't complaining, by far.  i'm lucky to be an american, we're allowed to break the law, if we truly believe its a stupid law.  I believe in temperance through pot, i think we could solve a lot of our problems relating to alcohol by offerring safer alternatives.

Monday, May 19, 2003 9:24 AM

jesus, i didn't upload, did i? i fucking suck; sorry.