SECTION 6
Thursday, June 5, 2003 2:39 AM
slow roasting the last bowl, feelin fairly high, got some redbull, that's good. so... what was i talking about, while i'm still in a genial mood? I can see the Grump over the hump, and he's just waiting for me to finish this bowl.
but i'm slow roastin, and this should last a while. i'm feelin okay, i'll probably "take care of myself" to "reset" after smoking. it will make me feel better, gets the withdrawl outta my system.
withdrawl is a bitch, but at least i picked a fairly nice mistress. Make that, slave-owner. I tell you, this was always an intentional thing. Before i started smoking weed, i mean really start smoking, i asked myself... is this good? and since then, i've still asked myself... But so far, the answer is yes--comparatively.
I know i have an addictive personality, ever since I started "taking care of myself" and it soon became a necessary daily, twice daily thing. That started pretty soon, and since then, taking care of myself, has just become a necessary thing. But hey, jocelyn elders, and all that shit, or whatever her name is. But it prepared me, I realized for me, its not just eat and breathe that I must do. And when I don't do other things, well, i get anxious, and when i do them, its comforting. And i just know...
My father's a good man, but the alcohol has made his life a lot harder than it needs to be. No doubt, he saw his own father live everyday intoxicated. He learned how its done, as i did. And whether its biological or enviornmental, who gives a fuck, the point is eventually you get at a point where you realize you're going to need to accept a mistress. He picked alcohol, i picked weed.
I know i could pick up alcohol real easily, and coke, and heroin, and that's why i don't do any of them. (Except alcohol, socially only... Many many times have i wanted to retreat to it, like a comforting bosom, like weed is... But I don't think it woud comfort me, and so far, I've never been able to drink alone. Its perhaps silly, but--like i've said--I've picked my mistress.)
And my current mistress is a nice one. Ver nice. Very nice indeed. Now if i could only afford her... You see, it eats my money, and my drive, but i got too much drive, kinda makes one stall... Man... That feels so good.
But isn't "smoke" supposed to make you less anxious? Haha, of course, as long as you always have it. And like i've said, my dad can swim, he's learned how to do it, like his father before him, and his father before him. I carry two legacies, my name, and my anebriated blood line. So, if i had enough money. I'm so sure of this, i'm using a bright color. If i had enough money, enough to buy as much weed as i need, and i could be left alone, to my redbulls, and yes, cigarettes, if i'm rich, fuck the patch, and my computer, and my cat. I'm set. I'm a very happy hermit indeed. And i could write anything you could possibly need. I should do sitcom writing, its really fucking easy, and I could smoke all i want. so... who wants to give me a sitcom deal? What's that? The clamor is deafening. I could probably write one of those zany animated shows they show on Adult Swim, that's fucking easy. If i didn't have to also animate it... But fuck, i could do that too... I probably should do that next, make a freaking animated thing, and i'll put it on the website. But of course, after finals.
That shit is so fucking easy, you'll see, it'll be pretty funny too, i bet. Sigh, now, the only problem. Money. And time. Which is why the artist's life must be eternally connected to commerce. But don't worry, i'm not about to sell-out, first i got to learn how to sell, and as you could tell by my webstore... I'm not even sure if it works, I got that yahizoo store, like, a year ago. And i've been paying 30 a month for a fucking merchant account, and how many orders or donations have i received?
0
And why have i not, like, i dunno, made it look professional, have some actual products, and whatnot? Cause I don't like to sell myself, and i'm really writing for someone like me, and I sure as hell don't have money to donate or spend on some stupid product. I really don't want to sell anything, i want to make everything free, and i just work off donation, i know that sounds stupid, but... Whatever, i suck, i could so easily make that webstore like, five times more productive. Well, actually, doing math... Let's see, 0 productivity... Okay, 6 times more productive.
Besides, i'm afraid what will happen when i start to make money, until you make money, nobody gives a shit what you do. Once you make money... Well, then, it's all different. And i don't want any attention by... fuck i don't want any attention, just give me some money, i'll go buy some smoke, and you'll keep getting your art, isn't that fair? How's that for a pitch, you can make donations as small as $1, hell, i don't even know if the freakin merchant account even works... God... So typical of me though. Anyway, i would like to know if it works, so if you try to make a donation, and it doesn't work email me at nameafake@hotmail.com. And tell me how you want to give me money, you can expect a prompt response. And right now, i'm watching Uncut, i have to say that song "still tha row" is pretty good, I like Crooked I at least in this song... Yeah, but i also liked Styles, and now what's he doing? Both albulms have such good producers.
Oh yeah, and now its Honeychild, good fucking song.
this is for all my bros
she aint got on no draws
good song. okay, lets upload this shit.
Styles will have a good next albulm i bet, after Gangster and a Gentleman. I thought for a while that fitty was talking about him in wangsta, cause the doll in the video has a diamond-studded gun or cross or someshit on his necx, like styles does on his albulm cover. But now i know he's talking about ja, and frankly, i can see where he's coming from, he's an okay singer, but no one's buying his "image"... Now they're showing Many Men... i dunno, he's no tupac neither, but here i'm not talking street cred. I don't know, i aint about to talk shit about these rappers, and especially not "on wax," if ever i start "spittin for real," because i don't think they're that silly to take anything personally, but the people they associate with?
I want to make a song that someday, i can put on a cd, and bring to a party, and not have them know its me, but have everyone dancing to it to 'cause its just such a damn good song. I gotta work on my beats... Damn, but hey, ninth week, i mean 10th week, and shit. Whatever, oh fuck, i gotta take a quiz today don't i? Oh well. Fuck i really hope i pass my fucking classes. I still don't know if i'm going to buy... yeah i am. i think. i dunno, anyway, its dipset anthem, not as good a song. So i'll have to mute it. I like that Honeychild song, by scurface, or whatever, and ICONZ, arent' they originally part of some other group, i don't fucking now. But i remember they had a good song. Oh, and Apology by Dapa da Don, good shit. Maybe they'll play We Big Mane, i've always liked BunB since big pimpin, but that's way old... And, of course, i wish they'd show Bizzy Bone and Joker the Bailsbondsman's "Uh Huh," but i guess i'll have to wait till i'm on BET, doing my saturday 25 videos. I've already got most of the titles already. "Big Bank" on, good song, the first lyric "remember back in the days we used to smoke puffs" chillin's tried them, but not me, as i've said, one mistress, no threesomes man, i would like to try the "blue sticky" he references though. anyway, damn, nevermind, upload.
Thursday, June 5, 2003 3:33 AM
Monday, June 9, 2003 5:49 AM
So, i ended up getting between a quart and eight, 4 days ago. I just pretty much handed over what scant unsmokable green i had and said, "here you go." Any dollar denomination can be made smokable. Now that's almost gone. As usual i only ended up smoking half myself. But, hey, life of a baller, right?
Being broke doesn't bother me, neither does owing 20 to jake for losing at poker. (Last time I won 14. And jake milked everyone, he got 66 at end. You know how it is, you get the tall stack and you can push people around.)
Obviously, I'm not good at playing the short stack. Cause I can't feed my cat. I gave him salami, like back in the leaner days. He's not used to short stack either, cause he hasn't touched it. I'll beg money off a housemate if need be, I always pay back, and a little dignity is more than enough for my cat.
I'll get some kind of lecture, i know, about saving money, and things like that, though they know as well as I that I will be able to pay them back... Just not until after finals, I had to first swear up and down... Well, i didn't have to, i just knew it would squeeze out more money out of my parents if i said that I woudn't need to ask for more until after finals. Ah the life of a college student. The last stop from indentured servitude to 3rd world self-employed.
Soon I will have smoked the last, then I will go smokeless, and cram for my final. It's tomorrow. And I don't like this feeling of fear that i may not pass my class. I'm doing okay with the other class, I should be fine with that. I mean, it's almost over. It's almost over. I think i started my vacation about a year ago, cause i thought it was almost over. It was like, i was dressed in hawaiian clothes, you know, like in that movie summer school. And then, and then. And then I find out its not over, and so what do i do? I draw palm trees and girls in bikinis as I wait for class to be over. But its never over, cause they won't let me leave till i do some actual work.
Being a student really sucks. i was a student for much too long. I'm done with being a student. I must graduate though. I have only two classes, the other is almost in the bag, though of course I have lots more to do, its just nothing difficult. Editting, you know. I'll probably try to get some more money after this final. Then i will buy some more, pay back my friends for poker, and the cat food I need. Get some yummy redbulls and sit down and start editting some footage, tube from mouth, its that easy.
However. That's because I got clever and figured out how to get a real class made into a pretend class of filming and fucking about. And thus, one requirement is done. But I got one other. And its not one i can make into a non-class. Its chemistry, might as well come out with it. Chemisty or physics. For a year now, i can't pass a class in either subject just to freakin graduate. And physics, mind you, was my old major. Before i got a non-major. Film, of course. And i hope to get a non-work grad school. Writing, of course. Cause look (laughing to myself) i'm writing right now! What a joke, and I may get a degree for this.
Buuuuut... I still have to pass this fucking chemistry class. And yes, this is the class with chillin. Who by the way is doing wonderfully in this class, of course, when i was her age, i was just as diligent, and would have no problem finishing a class i didn't care for. Doing work in something that didn't interest me, that's being a student. Being a student isnt' about "doing" anything actually, its just about absorbing. And i am no longer absorbant. I would like to move on.
This is actually no minor momment in my life. Because if i don't pass this class, I don't know what happens to me. I won't be suprised if i have to go back and live at home. I'll take some community college class, and pass it that way, under the scrutinous eye of my mother. I may even spend that summer like I've spent them in the past, smokeless entirely. Passing a class won't be difficult then, and though I won't create any art, and my days will boring and spent to watching tv, well... Money won't be an issue. Of course, the best thing would be to get a job, but i don't know any more.
Getting a job, getting an income, all incredibly difficult things for me. I don't want money, but i also don't want to worry about it. And there's no way to have both. Unless its a Utopia. Which is bullshit, cause i want more money than everyone else, I just don't want to think about it. I really wonder what I'm doing sometimes. Is this fucking word i'm writing worth shit? No, is my time here on earth worth shit? No. Is yours? No. Is anyone's? No. What's worth shit? Only shit. What's shit? A magaine. how much? well... its worth shit. Well, what's shit?
Oooh, now i see what's going on. I forgot to take my pills this morning. That's why i'm so depressed. One sec, let's alleviate that chemically shall we? I missed a day or two. I just took "Saturday." Oh well. Since i got no more herbage, i'll probably be more careful in the next days until i get some more unsmokable greenage. Now let's see how long it takes.
Monday, June 9, 2003 6:26 AM
I woke up around 4 AM, my schedule is all kinds of stupid right now. My hope is all gone. It will return. One class in the bag, another still up in air. I've been sleeping erratically, sleeping as much as possible. To avoid the day. I probably didn't take my pills, subconsciously, so i knew i'd over sleep, and then avoid more of the day... But i've been productive lately, did more work on my project, you know, shit like that. Still, the real work has yet to come. I really hope i have some more greenage soon, cause that work, on the project will be a breeze if i smoke through it. I could reward system myself, etc. But not chemistry. Can't do that with chemistry, no, i'm afraid you need to be sober for that. Even if i get more money, I won't buy until after tomorrow. Right after the final would be nice. A little reward, you could say, after studynig my ass off. I could use more money now, then, i'll use it to buy cat food, and pay back jake and get some redbulls, oh, but i said i wasn't going to, earlier when i begged from them 4 days ago. and though some of that money, in effect did go to the project, there is a direct connection, cause you know i pack when i'm working on the project. Doing the math, jesus, i don't know, that's a lot of money, cause you know, i also spent some money on food. And still...
The worst of it is, and i know it, is that I don't live that conservatively obviously. But the life of an artist doesn't always work that way. I mean, i'll eat cream cheese sandwiches all day, everyday, and i do. I eat string cheese and nachos and chips and crap. I really do. Because i am a) lazy and b) need money to smoke, not to eat. I am just very glad that I am not going to need that much more money. No one can lose all their money, if they had serious , dependable income on just herb. Just like alcohol or cigarettes or red bull, or anything like that, your desire and appetite can not overtake your monetary limits unless you're a bum or a burger flipper. Gambling, heroin, coke, all that shit, yeah, that can make you go broke, make you break into houses and steal shit.
Still, all i can do is feed salami to my cat and eat cream cheese sandwiches. I need money, obviously. I'd have lots of tasty pizzas and fast food, and my cat would be well fed (as he is always, i feed three cats, after all). Of course, i could always give up smoking green, but then... I couldn't smoke... I mean... That makes no sense. No of course it makes sense, and maybe why i'll be going home for a while. I might have to give up writing for a while, somehow, maybe i'll find something like television to occupy me. I don't need to write. Well, maybe i'll write, but it won't be in the green room anymore. Cant' write in the green room without green. Of course, maybe my problems with this class (i'm really barely passing, or just below, I really need to do well on this final) have nothing to do with the amount I'm smoking, since, that's really not changed. I've been smoking everyday since... Well, I never manage every day, but I can't really remember going more than a few days at a time, a whole week even, except for a few summers, since i started 5 years ago. Oh wait, that's not true, when I was in my relationship it was a weekend thing. Yes, so i wasn't heavy smoknig until 2 years ago. Whiiiich is about when my grades went downhill. But then, is it the smoking, or the general depression of going back to being alone?
And though my grades have gone to hell, i've gotten 10 times more writing done now then during the 2 years i was with the ex. It's a bit like my senior year of highschool, lots of writing, but bad grades. SOO! Maybe its writing now, that's fucking my life up! Great!
I don't think so, i think what it is, is simple. Writng, smoking they are both ways of escaping. Writing and smoking together is a super way to escape. I escape when my life sucks. The more i'm writing or smoking the more my life is sucking. And suckiness goes to, basically, god almighty i hate this fact, but it seems so true: happiness with women. Cause when i was in my first year of college, and before i had a girl, i think i didn't pretty bad, because i had found weed, and i wasn't used to having to do work to get by in school. Then i met my ex, and it was sunshine, and marshmellows and pretty birds in the sky. My grades improved. I smoked less. Then the relationship started sucking. She drank more. I smoked more. My grades slipped. I started writing about how much it sucked. And soon. I was out of the relationship.
Since then, its pretty much sucked. I've gotten a lot of writing, a lot art and music, all things that come naturally when things suck. I've smoked majorly, both green and brown, so much so that brown was getting really bad, and i've since had to quit, many times. I'm on a quitting stretch right now. i should put on my patch. But i think it might keep me up, and once i finish this weed, i'm going to sleep. You know, "reset" as i sometimes say. Two ways to get the thc out of your system, and the withdrawal at bay, one is sleep, the other is sex.
So, the essential question, as it is with all writers and artists who explore their own lives to discover where happiness lies and how to somehow capture it. What is the common denominator that is not correlation, but causation? I wish i knew, i don't think i'll discover it n this piece though. But really that's all i'm trying to do, discover where the happiness lies, and not for you, but for my own selfish application. If it applies to you in any way, well, then that's good.
I'm sick of being a student though. that's a given.
Monday, June 9, 2003 7:09 AM
I think i'm feeling them kick in finally. let's see. Makes sense, about 40 min to digest. Yay. i feel much better now. happiness evidentally lies in drugs.
But i know false happiness when i feel it. Not like love, god that's a nice feeling. I think i'm about ready to go looking for it again. Got burned pretty hard by the CFA. But I need to find it.
Damn shame how it turned out with Chillin, i mean, i always knew, always, i guess... But damn, i really wished i could have changed the way things were. Cause i'm selfish, and i want happiness, and i want love, and i want to be in love, more importantly. I'm stupid thuogh, cause that was nowhere to turn, yeah, she could probably, and we could probably, but who cares, she's got it already, and they're honky dorie, and i'm fucking... See, looking isn't a bad thing, just where you look. And... Man, i gotta get over myself. Let's first load this last bowl.
Looks like chillin's going to be another girl who fucked with my mind. Let's see if we can stay friends. I'm totally for it, I just don't go out very much, and she will need to show more interest than she has. Called me her "project," she did, and said she called me, she did, but two days before she said she did, by my cell, but who knows, that coud be wrong, said she might call yesterday, but i didn't think she would, and she didn't by my cell. If she wants to be my friend, i've told her she needs to call, send emails, or something. The level of interest she showed was, evidentally, enough for me to keep up my interest, and that interest was enough for both of us, evidentally. I laugh to myself.
She's a very busy individual, i understand, of course. Which is why i will not take offense when I offer, maybe once or twice more, to get together, and she will just be too busy. And i will understand, of course, that she is too busy to send an email, to say why she's busy... And i will understand that she'll not call, cause she will be very busy. Busy with her own friends, boyfriend, life. And i will go on with mine. And she will go on with hers.
Fuck it, is what i say.
The stray cat's eating the salami, at least he's not too go for it. But my cat, sigh... I'll have to go to the store, soon enough.
Damn, i really liked her you know? I'd say, at least maybe down the line she might send an email someday wondering how i've been, wanting to meet. But girls never send that email. At least i've yet to receive it. And if i receive one before I start making money... I'll be very surprised.
Chillin makes it sound like she's very hard on herself, perhaps that's why she reads what i write, since i'm obviuously hard on myself. I don't know why she is... But i imagine a lot of people must be. I can't be cornering the market on self-pity.
Man, i thought I got close too. I mean, it need not be over, but class is over. 10 weeks, 10 chapters. Now's the real show, since obviously I wanted to see her, but we had class, so it was convenient. Of course, i know we've spent much time together outside of class, I don't know, obviously i have a lot insecurities. But i'm secure in them at least, obviously.
Words are so easily wasted. So easily dispensed and consumed. I can dispense them with the greatest of ease. Easier than consuming them. I find quoting the Simpsons to be out of style for me, but this one works so well: "I shall return to my comic book sanctum where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them."
I wonder who will be next? Because regardless of whether chillin and i stay friends (i'm all for it, just insecurity, and frankly the odds are not in our favor, though we both have professed a desire to keep that much going), I'm ready for love. The bus has all but departed. It would not take much to flag me down, I am a very slow bus driver, and I have my eye on the side mirror... But drive i must. She can take the 3:15 to friendshipville if she shows up in time for that.
I hate the most, and this is going to sound perhaps a bit shallow of me, when I find the other competition is less attractive than me. So it was in Romance, I saw the guy she was cheating on with me, and I was more attractive. I am being very empirical about this. I have an aesthetic eye that goes beyond the fair sex. I have it in art, writing, music, I'm a fair critic I'd say. And i'd say easily, that chillin is more attractive than myself. And her friend, the essayist, and object of previous mutual attraction between them, is by far more attractive than i. I am however more attractive than her bf. And i don't mean to insult him by saying this, since his physical faults are my own. The detractors to my own attractiveness aptitude, paleness, acne, lack of muscle, slack hygiene, lax shaving, unkempt/disheveled/even-stained clothing--he merely has as well. And I have a few dissymetries of face, he may have a few more. His nose is better, my teeth are better, I wear glasses, he does not, but I think I have better facial grooming, and i'm a bit leaner. That is how i base it, I could go up and down and describe everyone this way, if i must. I could do ... Holy shit. I just realized something. I think.
Monday, June 9, 2003 8:11 AM
Something of coincidence, not importance. Anyway, i was going to go looking through Romance, but better to leave that alone. What was i talking about, why would i mention this, oh right. I'm just bally-hooing over defeat. Because while this may be my opinion, it may not be hers. And even if it was, well, then its a good thing its not too strong of a motivator. For indeed, her friend, the essayist, who is on par with her for attractiveness, would beat both of us out. But though I call him the essayist, he writes no essays, and I don't he would win her mind. And i don't know if i would, or whether or not ...
I just looked over to the food dish, my cat is hungry, i can't bear watching him this way. But i don't know how to feed him, he will have salami if nothing else, he's eaten it before. The black cat might eat it all though, he's looking at me, cause he knows he can stare at me, and eventually i will give him food. For he will do a feline mind meld. My cat might have to go back to my home, out of where i normaly live, an hour and a half away. My life still sucks, so much for pills changing things. Now my kitty's beggin. Now what?
i will try salami again.
No good. There was some left after the stray was done. I could give some string cheese, he likes that as well, but i will instead hit up my father for money. No. I will hit up friend first. I don't know. Yeah, father first. I'll just ask for enough to pay back dave and get cat food. sigh. fuck i hate my life.
Money is always what really gets me, after women. Women, like Prince said, they rule my world. Not girls, of course. But money. When i got especially indulgent on the suicidal thoughts, it was over money. I got money the next day. It was gumdrops and candy whistles. But i wrote about it, and people were concerned. But these are people without monetary concerns. And the people i know with those concerns look at them much more rationally than I do. (But they lead generally boring lives, as far as I can tell.)
Well, i tried Jake and the German, they just got up to go work-out. But they wouldn't help me. And they were my only hope. I tried my dad, but he wasn't home... I hate my life. i'd start saying so, more vehemontly, but i don't want scare anyone.
This would be a horrible note to leave on, but it is what it is.
Monday, June 9, 2003 8:46 AM
The german wondered if i was adding to my green room, i said i was, he said what, i said... oh... not knowing how to answer it, "the usual shit." Cause that's what it is. Shit of speculative value. He said, he'd read it at work. I said, alright do that. He said he will.
Making myself another cream cheese sandwich. i think i'l put some string cheese in with the salami, my cat likes to act like me, maybe he'll eat the string cheese. Remember, Rejina didn't have cat food half the time, couldn't afford it, she was giving him string cheese at my old apartment. He's got it super cushy compared to how it was back then.
Sigh, oh and so Jake also wanted to know what i was writing. I don't think he reads it. I must check out his site, come to think of it, i don't go there often enough either. So, I said, i was writing that I was going to hit the two of them (him and the german) for money to get food for the cat, and that you were both probably going to say no. (This, btw, after i asked them for money to get food for the cat, and they both said no.) Jake said, "if something fell, you'd probably blame gravity. It's not my fault, gravity! Look, it pulled it down!"
I though this was especially snippy. And further, it made me wonder. Yes, i do look for answers to my problems, but I always concede they come first from me. As they must, as they are my problems. I do not think the cat will go hungry because my friends would not lend me money, he will go hungry because he's too uppity to eat salami and string cheese, and i know for a fact he's had to eat it before--that, and of course, the fact that his owner is a fiend.
i almost bought more food when i was shopping last, i just thought he could make it past finals... Now i must send an email to my father, who knows how that goes, and i'm going to try to return those goddamn bidis. that would be enough for a small bag of catfood (the good stuff, of course). But I still feel like this is rediculous. Should i go searching for cans to recycle next? Save money on rent by living in a cardboard box?
Eventually, these days will be over, school is almost over. Either i will get money, or i won't have to worry about it. Cause i will be living at home. And i think i'll give up the writing, and then you probably won't hear my suicidal thoughts. i guess you can just hope i'm still alive. I dunno, feels like a cross-roads people. School is almost over, my life is still somewhat in the hands of my parents. They expect little though, just my graduation. God i hope i graduate. Cause somethings going to have to do go if i don't.
I have no money, no reason to go on... if i had money, i could waste it, and that always seems like a good reason to go on. Money can be turned into something interesting for anybody. I'm dying of boredom though. Damn, i really wanted chillin. and now, now, i'm tired again. Not really, but i feel like i got nothing i would rather do than sleep.
i just hope he reciprocates, you should see the show she put on for me last time. She was all kissing him on the cheek, and he was like he wasn't having it. Probably because he could tell how orchestrated the show of affection seemed. I don't know too well, though, as i purposely avoided watching the display. It would tell me nothing, its really something intimate to them.
Which makes me think of the video beatrice made of her bf, she tried to show their intimacy, but it didn't sell me on how they really felt for each other. Just how she felt for him. But i do remember what he looked like. He was more attractive than me, that's for sure.
But of course, women aren't nearly as shallow as men are. Hahahaha, lord i believed that until i read it over again. Women are just as shallow if not more. The more they ascribe to the shallow rules, the more they prove they abide by them. Still, chillin's not shallow.
i wonder what good it is to be who i am? Its no good to anyone. No good to me. Still, so close to a college degree... So close to being worth a damn, on paper at least. And that one paper that is my diploma goes on that one paper that is my resume and that one paper will make more papers that i can use to spend. Spend, on something smokable, which is better than paper. But first, i gotta pass my classes. I'm not too worried though. This last bowl is slowly going, and once its gone, i will have nothing to smoke, and time to study. and maybe i'll go crazy, but i'll at least do a lot more studying.
Writing is bad though. This is bad. I shouldn't be writing, but i am, cause i like to be bad, and smoking allows me, though someday it won't be bad or at least i won't need smoking to allow myself the time.
I think i may try to not smoke for a bit. Naw. I mean, yeah, if i don't pass my class, then its proof, i can't keep up my shit, i will need to try something, like quitting, if even only for the quarter i'm home taking summer school. But if i pass, callooh, callay greener days, i can keep up my lifestyle, i can write, sing, and create all the live-long day, and do it all while puffing on a jay. But if i fail... Well, maybe i need to change somethings. I mean, it could be the fact that I write all the time about this girl. That's certainly taken up a lot of my time.
Things are definitely changing around here. May not be another greenroom entry for a while. Or, maybe in about two days, or maybe no more entirely. Maybe i'll quit smoking, or more likely, take my own (see, i can't even be facetious anymore with you people, lighten up jees).
I don't think i i don't hnik i I don't think i blame others. I do complain though, and wish things were better, like chillin said she did. I guess i figured since i often try to make things that don't seem good, better, that she would as well--though she never said they weren't good, that's all her own bag with herself. But Jake said i blame others. I don't mean to. I blame myself, at least i try to at every convenient momment, too much though can drive a man (or woman) to indulge in excapism. So, anyway, not going to blame anyone else, which means i must blame myself, which means i must do something, and i don't know what it is yet, but we'll see if i come back in here to tell it.
Monday, June 9, 2003 9:47 AM
Wednesday, June 11, 2003 8:30 AM
Two days, no surprise. Got some money and i've lowered my eyes. recorded a song, and time went by.
Still, I'm not here to wax poetic. I'm here to do a quick-wipe down on the prose-aic tip. A eulogy, if you will.
Someone, withuot even thinking of it, didn't even realize the monumentousness of it, nor the fact that they couldn't have known how i felt about it.
Someone cleaned the shower. Someone, wiped away all the remnants of a once great civilization. It was a canvas of spotty, furry black, that spread like wild fire, like a blanket over everything it touched. It was beautiful. At first it was small. Just a little mold. I assume. When I first witnessed it, it was no small mold.
To see it would bring awe to a person, sometimes fear, sometimes excitement. For it was just too unbelievable. To see this much bacteria and fungus, say, on the side of the titanic--that's normal. But here. In middle-class suburbia. Lay one of the great wonders of the world, a marvel of stoic indiference. On the part of the mold, and the part of the people who lived with it.
We would be naked with it, you can't be more intimate than that. it was simple though, just don't touch the sides, or the curtain, or the area in the tub outside of the very bottom where feet constantly force back the tide. Everywhere else, is left undisturbed.
It was a beautiful thing it was "about 1 by 4 square feet" says jake. But i attest it was really 4 times that. It came up to the little nook where i kept my shampoo. that's eye level. Everytime i used it, i had to first clean off the mold off the bottom. It could never give up, that little guy.
And now, its gone... The memmories. I would talk to it. No... we never really talked, and i am sorry for that now.
It was at least a few years old, still an infant, prime of its life. It wasn't the prettiest, but we can't all be... And the people who showered there, i was one of three, we all must have had a different kinship to it. Mine was a very dear one, but we all respected it, and its right to live...
I can't bear looking at the... place where it happened. Too gruesome. Desolation done with such quick indifference, like an a-bomb, perpitrated by people who thought they were doing the world a favor, like ethnic cleansing...
I know its all part of the circle of life. You may think that's cliche, well, you might think elton john is gay. It's up to you. But its just like the disney movie, things live, and then they die, and maybe they'll come back in a bunch of stars or dust thrown by a crazy monkey...
I wiss him... The Unknown Mold. I wouldn't name him, cause we never really stopped to appreciate him... And now he's gone...
I am very upset with myself for not taking pictures, getting some kind of proof of this marvel, cause words could never adequately describe. I just foolishly thought it would be around forever. It was here before me, and i thought it would still be there when i left. But i knew Mark was leaving, and some people said he would have to clean it, i just naturally assume it wouldn't be until the day before. And that we'd all get time to give our respects, say goodbye. I could've gotten some pictures, maybe some video to remember it by... But no... And now... Now its gone...
The Unknown Mold wasn't very understood, it was dangerous at first, there was adequate reason to be concerned; but if he was going to be dangerous he'd have killed us by now. No, he was just a bystander in life, trying to get by. I respected the mold, but i too did not fully understand it. I am only glad that I can avoid having to accept his passing for some time. As i don't take many showers.
Oh, unknown mold, you will be missed. I don't blame you for my hygiene, and in fact, I will miss you, a shower will never be the same again without you. But you were noticed, if recognized too late.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003 9:04 AM
Thursday, June 12, 2003 7:57 PM
I am very tired, and am not looking forward to driving everyone to the beachcomber... i would much rather sleep, especially since i have this film due at noon tomorrow. That's less than uh, 9 uh, 16? yeah, 16 hours from now... i gotta get out of this without looking like a punk... besides i'd rather watch the next law and order starting at 8. oh, what to do...
Thursday, June 12, 2003 8:00 PM
Thursday, June 12, 2003 8:21 PM
its like, i hate being a punk, i mean, i was all 'i'll have to save everyone." and then i was, like, the hero. But like, i got to do 12 hours of editing... i mean, i got 15 hours to edit, and like, i need at least 6 to sleep... so like 7 wait... 9, if i get 6... so, like, that would be great... but if i go out... and i'm out till like 12.... i got home, did some sleep, only 6 and i'd get like 6 done... i mean, the bar will always be there... but i'm not doing it for myself, i'm doing it for them... But i have so many other much better ways to show how much i care... Don't i? i'll never know because they'll never give it away.
Friday, June 13, 2003 1:43 AM
i had to go, there was 7 drunk people and only one (inwardly reluctant) driver. I had fun toward the end, eventually you dance alone enough you enjoy yourself, got 2 min total of contact with one girl dancing adjacently, and got to give me my name out and find out the name of a chick... Who's name i forget, who's forgotten me. (Ashley, but whatever.) I had fun, may be one of the last times to hang out with Mark, we will all miss him, he's leaving in a few days. How'd we do 7? One dude in the front (mark) two chicks on their bf's laps, and one dude in the trunk. For shizzle, i'm going to a heaven devoted only to sober designated driver... but i was faded so it wasn't all altruistic. I still have to finish my project, and now i'll have... 2, plus 6, 8... Damn, three hours probably (IF i wake up in six). Fuuuck. Oh well, such is life. Besides the final cut isnt' till monday.
in the end, i wanted to stay longer, and dance. I'll be designated driver more often, start dancing, enjoying myself, naaaaaaaaaw. Still, tonight, i was useful, and that i enjoy, i will sleep well knowing that. Okay, nite, wish me luck on the video, and other rhetorical shit.
Friday, June 13, 2003 1:50 AM
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 1:47 PM
I can hardly believe it myself. but the individual writing this right now may very well be a fully graduated individual. i mean, i passed my project, got a b+ on the final, i could do the math, but i'm pretty damn sure i passed that too. I actually accomplished it, but still.. I won't be able to believe it till i see the grades and get the paper. That stupid goddamn piece of paper i wasted 5 years of my life on... I was trapped in a loveless marriage, but i've finally been released. Now I feel an intense urge to accomplish more.
Of course, the best part is that i accomplished this, while still being lit, 90% of the time. And i was about to give up... Fool! I can do anything, mwhuaha, i just need my formula! Yes, my secret potion, no one must know! NO ONE! Mwhuaha, sweet nectar. Mad scientist takes vial of bubbling froth. He starts to shake, convulse. He turns into a big green, ravenous looking beast! He promptly pulls up a stool and goes back to work on his experiment, quite normally. "Oh, damn, i need to sharpen my pencil." Goes to pencil sharperner, calmly sharpens pencil.
I still can't believe it. Granted, i haven't got a penny, about to make a cream cheese sandwich, may not be moving up to a real room (cheap bastards don't want their rent to increase--nevermind the fact that they'de never find anyone to replace me, willing to live in these conditions), got no clothes, cause i hate to do laundry, aso i'm wearitg a pajama top. But i spent my money wisely, on poprockets and candy whistles. I can celebrate my freedom, liberation, and first step into the abismal limbo that is post-college pre-job. I may do grad, definitely if i don't get a room, cause this is rediculous. But i think i may be moving up, Mark's gone, and the room is empty. (A room! With 4 walls! I have curtains up, but still, I've yet to even see the reaction of a girl when i... turn on some marvin gaye, dim the lights, pull the curtains... try not to make too much noise, with people watching tv around the corner, sure hope no one wants anything from the pantry, like Mark, cause he'll just walk in... oh wait! No Mark!)
I must say, today is a good day. I got almost everything i need. I'm a free man! With a world ahead of me. And very tenuous support from my parents, but they can stuff it, once i'm financially solvent. Oh, sweet freedom, another step forward... And i can't believe it, but yet i can, that i did it the whole way goofin off, smoking, still wirting this bullshit. Now if only i could get paid to goof off. Dude, i'm actually ... Something smells good, i'm getting hungry, those cheeto puffs didn't really count as both breakfast and lunch... What to eat... Lots of stuff that takes much too long, i'll find some string cheese or something... (And when i'm rich, i will be fat, and lazy, and creatively bereft, and oh! It will be wonderful.)
Might as well upload right now.
Tuesday, June 17, 2003 2:11 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2003 2:06 PM
I hate commercials, that is why i turn down the volume. I need to make money, soon, how soon, i do not know yet, but soon.
My mind is too distracted with these thoughts... but i should be watching hills street blues, there's nothing else on...
i've never actually seen an episode.
Thursday, June 19, 2003 2:18 PM
Wow, i never thought i'd see that black DA from law and order play some booradleyesque crazy guy on hills street blues. He's got pretty good range for an actor. I wonder what's he's doing now... I can't believe he stabbed the guy, the character, cause the crazy he played seemed tame, which is fair, i suppose.
Man, i hope my parents give me a cushion, to find a job. cause i might have to move home, and i'm very scared to think of that prospect.
Friday, June 20, 2003 1:09 AM
I must wallow, yes, i must take this opportunity to. i will wallow not over the money i lost tonight in poker, it will merely put me in the proper mood.
jake, that bastard, ended the night with 93. God i hate him when he wins. but of course i know this hate is shallow, so i have no problem telling him so.
But no, tonight, or this momment at least, i will wallow over women. My problem with women will ameliorate itself once i have some money, i'd assume. After all, money si the ultimate status symbol, and being the alpha male is all about status. The sexiest men on earth come out of of Fortune magazine. Maybe some girls fall for intelligence...... naw, cause i haven't gotten shit for my intelligence.
Women just don't dig me, and that's fine. Most guys don't either. Whatever. I don't need women. At least, i've been telling myself that for so long, it must be true, for i am still alive.
My affections always turn for the wrong ones (what did i tell ya, about chillin, so far, been pretty "busy," hasn't responded to my last two emails or last two calls)... Seriously fuck women, they don't want to be friends, either. I make effort, fuck....
Women, man, why the fuck don't i, you know, manage to interact properly with them? No, i interact fine, its mating shit, i'm no good at. Don't know how to talk shit, make them insecure with insults, and then use their insecurity against them with compliments.
I... hate myself, i really do. i get very tired with having to be "me." My situation doesn't "really suck," but it does "suck somewhat." And i dislike being alone. I don't know why i have such bad luck with women, I know i'm good in relationships, just getting into them... I don't date, i don't flirt, i don't make stupid conversation with stupid people, can't afford to buy drinks for lushes to take them home and do with as i please. Nor would i even be happy then. For i want a true and meaningful relationship. And i don't know when, if ever, i will find it again.
I just embarass myself in every situation involving a female, pretty much. I usually make an ass out of myself, either with something i write, or... Yeah, something i write, but if i don't make an ass out of myself in writing, i end up not doing enough in physical reality. but i never know, i always end up giving the last call, i don't leave them out to dry. If i can help it. Sometimes, i don't know what's going on. Damn it, i just wish i knew what was going on.
i think i will send, not a bitter note, but an imperative one. I haven't the time for this shit, really. I'll be back, i gotta write an email.
Friday, June 20, 2003 1:26 AM
Saturday, June 21, 2003 4:32 AM
yours truly, the artist extraordinire, may be the next bag boy at your corner grocery mart... if i'm lucky.
Monday, June 23, 2003 3:38 PM
Man, this file is getting long, and rediculous, as always. But i am green. oh i'm green, and i want to sing, yes i do. I was good, i spent 3 hours on the pavement, as it were, driving myself, mostly. But walking store to store, asknig if they were hiring. just random stores. you'd be surprised. Well, i didn't want to wear myself out, so i came home, and now i am relaxing, later i will send some emails. I hate begging for a job. Or sLearching, or finding? No, i will work anywhere, such is my imperativeness. I have about 8 days to. But enough of that.
This is the green room, right? No need to talk of my ulcer, which i'm sure is coming.
i've been having stomach problems, i wonder if its my new chair... Or the fact that i haven't eaten? oh well, i got my certs.. must thank mother. one sec.
Monday, June 23, 2003 3:44 PM
Monday, June 23, 2003 3:48 PM
would you like to see?
Monday, June 23, 2003 4:25 PM
Ah fuck it, i got distracted, reading my own entries... I rarely do, first time i read that shit i wrote when i was off the SSRIs, damn, i was pretty crazy, but the sad thing is that i think the writing was pretty good, not despite, but because... Oh well, can't go all Williams Burroughs until i got a wife i can shoot in the head. You're giving me insect poison!!! Evil bugwoman!
Idontknow..whateva SO Like i care! Whateva whateva fa eva n eva.
Shoot ... what was i going to do? oh yes, i'm going to write that thing. right. Okay, here's the concept. It's like... First, can i get a good color? This'll do.
Okay,...u..ohur..ouhandir p.bi Oky. let's try that again. This is going to be like "how i'm living" aka, "cribs," of course, i don't watch mtv anymore, so i wouldn't know. But i would go from thing to thing in my sad little "room." Like.
Here's my
futon mattress:
brought it from home, so i can say this will all certainty. no one has
ever had sex in this mattress.
Curtains: look, open-space, heavily trafficed, entry-way from front door to
kitchen (pull curtains). Instant private, secluded romantic hide-away.
Cat: Sleeps on futon mattress every night, helps me from flipping around as
i sleep, and you know, killing myself out of loneliness
Guitar: (pick up, play) "i'm not poor, i'm not hungry, i'm a musician,
i can eat my songs..."
TV: Right now, playing BET:Uncut, never miss it, as it comes on around the middle
of my day. Basically leave the channel to BET, for Rapcity and Uncut,
switchin to TNT, just for Law and Order reruns. Man, I can't get enough
of those--and Columbo! But that's all on the Tivo... Anyway, what
was the question?
Percussion Pad: This is my percussion pad, I don't play it, because its loud,
unless i use headphones... But my headphones...
Headphones: Besides the duct-tape job, the sound only comes in one ear.
I really need to sodder a wire or something. Cause these are good phones,
you know, i need the soft kind, too, cause i wear glasses... i've never
soddered before... eh, one of these days...
Picture: This is called "The Resin Forrest" I made it as a solemn
way to respect the death of a close-friend.
Water pipe: (covered in epoxy and duct-tape) Reborn!
Monday, June 23, 2003 10:40 PM
can't read that? tuff. if it was important, i'd make it a diff. cull. col. whantuha.,i dkb ., wmhaa xn /whhah nt.hek whatever. i have some angst in me, must do art soon. oh, and "how i'm livin"
cats: these are my cats, blame the ex. The cat was our "animal."
Every couple needs an "animal" so boyfriends can waste their meager
wages on stupid stuffed animals everytime you go to a (bleep) place with a (bleep)
gift shop. (bleep) cats. The dino is for ethnic diversity.
silver: this is aluminum foil. Mark noticed a small part of the aluminum
foil was sticking to the roll, and that piece got bigger with every usage...
Mark said, "what a waste!" I said, "no its not," and
put the piece on my wall. "It's art."
cigs: I promised my mom i'd quit smoking for a camcorder... The one i'm
filming with right now... Damn, i need a cig, one sec.
the boxes: the boxes, the boxes, what to say, the fossils of old relationships.
(photos) God, i haven't looked at some of these since the day i
picked them up.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 6:04 AM
--...picked them up at the foto hut. Was what it originally said. Then i said to myself, "no, that's not right, i've never been to a 'foto hut,' so i shouldn't write that, just because i like the way it sounds and looks." That distracted me for quite a while. Then i got the help of my friends. They distracted me even more. Very helpful in distracting.
My life, is a bit chaotic, i have 8 days to find a job. 7 days, now. God. I'm emailing everybody. But we'll see... Oh, btw, speaking of emails, i got one from chillin, brightened my day fershur. she's been in mexico, or somewhere out of the country and away from the internet... of course... and here i am getting all kinds of presumptions...
But let's wait till she gets back then so we can make some sumptions.
Anyway, going to try to get a job making sandwiches in about an hour. stayed up all night... not that unusual, but i work up early-ish, so i'm hitting the sack after i meet this owner of this sandwich hut thing.
Again, not a hut, just a good lookin word.
Anyway, I really should upload this. i'll let you know soon enough (within 8 days) whether i a) get my own room (finally! Oh could it happen!), b) go back home (fnality! Oh, it could happen!), c) end up in my current situation. I realy hope its a), cause then i can bring my nice extra-long queen bed from home.
And i've had sex with many times with many different women in that bed--two at once, once. Thats' how i wanna be livin. i'll let you know.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 6:15 AM
Friday, June 27, 2003 8:28 PM
my life sucks, but you knew that already. what sucks today is when you want to celebrate, but it really isn't anything to celebrate. a minimum wage job, that i won't like, with horrible hours--only, thankfully, a lot of horrible hours (and by horrible i mean, normal, by most standards).
remembering when... wooo, remembering when...
feelin sad wondering why again...
(I'm listening to my Nuggets LP, vol. 10, Back on the Street Again, by the Sunshine Company.) what i really want to do is be a radio dj, for now... but you know, even that seems like a pipedream, and i'd rather dream the pipe than try to achieve it. But live it? Anyday, anyway, fuck it. what was i talking about? my life sucks, right.
be sure to wear, some flowers in your hair...
all i need in life is the love of a good woman... and i felt that way before, and i moved to quickly, and i got with the CFA--so much i want to do for this site... if only i could make money doin this..... But you know what they say about pipedreams.
smokin weed and feelin like i'm nothin, that's when i need folk music... should remember that... maybe make a good song... well, i'm trying to convert some recently recorded songs to mp3... i've recorded many, not surprising. i get a smokin, and i get a feelin, and i just click the mouse to start recording, mic's all set up, my guitar is but an arm's length away, so i record a lot of songs. I must finish the updating of the new page, and then all the other pages, including the music, and the names, just give me some time... which, now that i'm gonig to work minimum wage at some soul-less soul-sucking 9to5tillyoudie job, i'll never have again.
That is why i'm not celebrating. I don't think i'll get the room, i still have to see if my parents will be able to cushion--but i get no cushion from my other pushin, and its a stupid minimum wage job--sigh. oh well. i will try tonight, obviously, i just like to put off contacting the 'rents. AKA, the buzzkills.
Friday, June 27, 2003 8:49 PM
Saturday, June 28, 2003 2:06 AM
I was watching "Days of Wine and Roses," I have it Tivoed. I'm... very much frightened by that movie. Its very powerful. And the hair of that woman reminds me waaaay too much of my mother's. The woman unspoiled, like, i'm right now at the 45 min mark. I paused it cause i didn't want to forget that woman. But, i know she isn't real. She is the incarnation of a writer's fancy. Who's probably an alcoholic. Buuuuuut, he probably based it on his own reality--same assertion as to why i think he was/is an alcoholic...
Saturday, June 28, 2003 4:53 AM
I hatet he constant distractions, but they are life, and even this si a distraction, so if it were for distraction, there wouldn't even be this. This makes me no money, ergo, this is distracting from the main purpose of life, which is money. And the purpose and the reality of lfe don't always fit. and of course, the ultimate purpose is not money, but to be happy and replicate. And the ultimate purpose of society is to convince people to also not interfer with the pursut of happiness and replication of others. I am getting tired... but i have to go to work in an hour and a half. that. is life.
and forasand for minimum wage! Minimum wage. at a job that will suck. i'm no "man of principles" though, principles are earned, not allowed in every situation. I will eventually earn the right to control my own destiny, however it manifests itself, etc. etc. whatever.
tired, that's what i am. tired, and very sick of life. very much wanting to not have to worry about life. would like to have sex with women, also. But realistic. Need job first. And this job... is not enough to make me feel like i even deserve to get laid. Have i mentioned that i am tired? And i have to be awake for another ... god knows how many hours. i hate this job, and i haven't even gone to the first day... at least it will be in downtown, richville, at least. i like looking at rich people. They amuse me so. Silliness comes from frivolity, and nothing more frivalous than the life of the comfortably wealthy, lots of poeple born into money, they keep their money, they live off the money, they hoard the money, they eat the money, and chuckle and cackle with their big green eyes and dripping red mouths, with fangs! oh the fangs!
yawn... have i mentioned how tired i am? i am tired, i must finish the "new" page first. Then, god, i have to go to work... god, okay, let 'em swallow you whole. Right. Pride is a luxury of the rich, and the rich are all frivolity anyway, so you don't need it. Okay. I just need fucking, ug, work ethic. Especially when nothing is required but breathing of me, which is kinda nice, i guess, seeing as i think i'll be asleep long before my eye-lids close. Anyway, up, up, upload and away.
Saturday, June 28, 2003 5:06 AM
Thursday, July 3, 2003 9:37 AM
no news means good news... right?
i'm not even green, so i don't belong in here. but i don't know if there will be any more entries... and i feel i should at least explain.
saturday, when i made that entry, i was very tired, i ended up being very tired, and i lost the job, cause i looked too tired... i'm very tired right now, too.
i couldn't sleep, i have no weed, its been like, 3 days... i'm very tired. but i can't sleep. i have no more xanax, today is my last day of zolofts, then i ... my camcorder busted, and my car window is busted as well... i have very little going for me, right now, it feels...
i can't take it anymore. the agony of being poor. and i am poor, sure, got shit, but i aint' got money. i got no job... and i feel like shit, as if that wasn't yet obvious.
i have to move home. i think, tomororw. i don't know for sure... but i have no reason to suspect otherwise... i hate my life, i really do, and if i could just end it... once... just once...
i won't have to listen to people giving disapproving looks... "he finally took the easy way out." i've seen too many ... fuck, i'm not high, but i still don't care... listening to looks, and all that..... and all these elipses... i jsut don't care anymore...
i really really really really really really really--as many times as i can type it--really really really want to die. i'm really really really sick of it all... as i've been sick with it all, all my life... i got nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing to live for, nothing for nothing.
and its all chemical, and i know it, and i know i... whatever, i don't care. which is why i'm saying this, because people freak out when i say i want to die... but i won't kill myself, i already know it. but i can want it, can't i? cause i really do want it. i want the peace.
i want to go to sleep, and not toss and turn, not have to wake up in the morning, afraid to leave the bed, afraid to face the day, so i live in my night world. or whatver. i don' care...
and my camcorders still busted
i hate my life, i hate my life, and i really wish i ddin't have to think about it, or live it, but unfortunately, we're only given one life, so i gottta keep with it, cause i know its all chemical... I HAVE NO MONEY. i am poor, and i can't do anything about it, well... i can, but i don't care right now. i don't care, and i really wish it was over... i wis hi could just go to sleep, for a very very long time.
headphones are busted.
car window is busted
so much laundry needs to be done, i have nothing clean, i've been reusing dirty clothes... i really would like to have some peace, not really death, just peace. and that requires money. naturally. cause i'm not stable. and i need stability. or something. and i don't know how i'll get it... but i know being this way, is not helping my stability. i'm going to ki... i want to, i really really want to kill myself, without actually doing it.
if i'm not going to do it, why say it? cause, even though i know i'm not going to do it, its still on my mind. all night. i looked at the kitchen knife really hard last nigth, when i tossed and turned and couldn't sleep... i looked at it, i even put it to my arm, then to my neck, thinking, maybe that would be more effective. "Right through the corotted," i said to no one.
i'm trying to impress upon the fact that its not a cry for help, i mean, it is and it isn't. but it isn't a show. that's for shure. i don't want to be the show, i don't even want to be here. i just want to be alone. and at peace. and that's not gonig to happen. and i know it. and i can't do anythnig about it, so perhaps that's why i have these thoughts...
can't escape in weed, or tv, nothing good on the tivo, or anything... i feel like maybe this is the right time ... i am finally alone. time to do it. i'm really feeling like it. i really want the ultimate escape... such relief... though its not really relief... its just the absense of pain. and i won't be aronud to enjoy it, so, its really not relief. which is probably why i don't kill myself. i'd rather just kill a part of myself, maybe a lobotomy... no...
i know what i need to live. money enough to be left alone, to smoke my weed, write my stories, sing my songs, and love my cat. goddamn it i love that cat so much...
i'm not green, so i know i don't belong in here, i guess i was hoping i'd manage to say something pithy, or important, or something... but no, jsut more of the same... and chillin, yeah, i think of her, i think of a lot of girls, as i get lonely, as i do... but chillin, in particular, because she made such a fuss about wanting to be friends... not really "a fuss," but whatever. i don't know... its just not surprising... but right now, i feel like i don't deserve her, or any girl, or anyone, or anything... the only thing that deserves me is my cat, for i know i am selfless and i give myself...
perhaps i sohuld cry, people are gone.. now i can... it will probably just make my nose run more than it has. it ran all night long, i was blowing it, i'm gettin ga cold, but --as is the theme-- i dont' care. i don't care about punctuation, or spelling ,ro writing even... but i do it, cause theres' nothing eles for me to do right now. nothing for me to do... but important things, and i don't want to do anything important. i can't bring myself to try anymore... i'm so tired... god i' m tired... and yet...
i want to look for a job, somewhat... no i give up, no... idont' know... i just wnant it over. i'm really tired, like a felon who's been evading the police for years. i can't do it anymore, i know i'll be going to a very very bad place, and i may have to be there a long time. but i won't have to worry anymore. won't have to be hungry. won't have to look at all my broken crap and think, fuck, i can't fix any of it.
i get to be the kid again, if they don't support me though, i'm out of there, liike in seconds, cause i'm just doing this to find peace, to stop running around, stop fighting so hard, for what? what? what?
all i care about is my cat, my cat must be okay. wherever i go, he must be okay. or else... if my cat died... i'm sorry, i'd probably , yeah, i might actually do it then. i would'n thave anything to live for then... god, i really really really really erally realyachin ah.cheo khna.u rc hate my life, hate myself, hate myself for hating myself and hating my life, when people who should hate themselves don't and people with shittier lives than me, don't hate them... and ...
i really want to sleep... perhasp i will give it another shot... chillin was cute, damn, but another statistic, it seems. so it seems. so many girls, that i'll miss, i miss, willill i die... will i ever get to relave myself of the pain... but again, there is no reliefe... and i don't know why i'm writing... but i am... and if your reading this... i don't know... why... or whatever... i don't care... loko at this.. look at this crap i write, and for what? for whom? god, i really really really.
well you kon.wasrce ugrdakr op.firdxk
oh, and 8fp.y/arhpkap. iy8p.e
and whi'le ahir meb krabkprc aph i'm at i.. arkge bk;orp.itt hao irhu k. at it. . . sa krd;dek
kill me jesus--i used to write that a lot, still do... i don't know why i think of jesus... i ugess because he's soh yeahupposed to deliver us from evil, or pain, orehath rih aryd;euk or something. i don't know. i think its .............. i don't know. i think its a waste of words, that's what this is.
a waste of words. a waste of time. and a waste of... you name it. i hate myself. i wish i could kill myself (without killing myself). And... um, that's it.
--awbvious-- (here's hoping for greener days)
Thursday, July 3, 2003 10:15 AM