SECTION 8

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 8:20 AM

Hello! How are we today!

I'm doing fine, thanks for asking.  been smoking some midgrade for a while.  so i'm kinda up.  tired. i am tired. that's for sure. need incentive.  Must heat up the vape.  I'm thinking of quitting cigarettes.  No seriously.  I really think, after this pack, i'll go to the patches again.  i'm just not sure its economical, i need every penny, and i think 5 dollars of cigarettes costs less than the money i'd be spending on food, probably a good 10 dollars it helps me avoid.  i need food, of course, but food is down on the priority list.

I miss chillin, still, but i miss a lot of things i've never had.  people in particular. which is weird, as you can't really have anyone anyway.  But i've had girls, not many, not enough that i might miss them time to time, if i had more i could call "my girl" if even for a while, perhaps these fantasy will fade with infancy, once that fades, i'll be set.

i'm such an idiot some times, i think i play the fool a lot when i write.  is it sane?  I mean, take that, why would someone who could play a fool be insane? well, i guess it takes more than a fool to play a fool, and if your not a fool, you must be intelligent, and if your intelligent why would you want to be seen as a fool?  especially for no one but yourself?   wouldn't that be insane?  and yet, here is my foolish deliberation. See, i know its not a "deliberation" yet i call it such.  Why?

i like to ask questions that won't be answered and answer with answers to questions never questioned.  Why? and be redundant, for no reason, but maybe, i like the way "answer" looks.  an-swer.  swur.  you see what i'm saying of course.  and the answer to your question is no.

except on tuesdays.

oh wait.  today is tuesday.  so i guess the answer is yes.  I really must get this vape going.  its nice and full of midgrade, of course it will take a while for it to get going, but at least its packed. let's see... it's now:

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 8:37 AM

Lovely color, don't you think.  But your eyes can't focus on both colors at the same time. Why is that, i'm not sure.  Fucking greenroom can fuck with your eyes.

And i can waste your time. But why?  So, lets get back to things, shall we?  Okay.  is this vapor

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 8:51 AM

goddamn creditors, fucknig a.  i should refinance, i just don't care, unfortunately. i do care, i just... i need money.  of course.

There's a rather good story i read, i believe by Robert Benchley, i believe that's his name... or is that the hack pop writer?  i'm thinking of the algonquin round table guy...  Oh fuck, I  should just look it up. i know.  its in this book, Reader's Digest, Great Short Stories of the World, 71 of the finest stores ever written. Cost me $2.50 at my local library, and it was the best 2.50 i ever spent--considering some shylocks will charge that much for a red bull nowadays.  oh where is it... something with rocking horse in the title.

D. H. Lawrence. Boy was i off on that one.  I was right about Robert Benchley, but he didn't write it, he wrote something not as good in the collection--he was just the editor of the New Yorker, so i'm not too surprised.  Something about Sundays being unfavorable days.  Had a few bon mots. But this story, "The Rocking-Horse Winner"...  Ah! That's why.  Benchley's story is the one following it, now i see the association.  Anyway.

"There must be more money!"  Even the floor boards creequed it in my house.  Try to tiptoe late at night through there and you'll hear: "there... ...must... ...be... ... more... ... ...mo...ney..."  And my mother, as well, never said it aloud, but kids can hear it.  They can.

My ex--funny thing about her, i'll come back to it.  Anyway, what's funny is that...  Well, anyway, no, i mean, she said something once, pithy, she said her share of pithy things, i'll miss that.  I always knew i would.  The CFA had nothing pithy to say.  Anyway, she said my mother suffered from "the Irish fear of appearing to be poor, Irish trash."  And that made a lot of sense.  Because i never knew why the outside of the house had to look so nice.  Or the cars must be new.   But i would get busted for every 20 dollars i spent "frivolously." And any dollar spent is spent frivolously.  Unless its to make one look disposably wealthy, in which case its quite practical.

But its strange, she doesn't spend much at all really, certainly not on herself.  She just makes sure that everything is neat and clean.  And well... My father, he has only one responsibility, to provide financially.  Which he's done surprisingly well.  I doubt i'd have gotten as far with the bad habits i have without his example--of how to accomplish things while retaining bad habits. But this isn't about my father.  Only in so much as he had to make the money, and my mother was always whispering "we must have more money" never in front of me, sometimes just to herself (she was full time housewife, when i was growing up, three kids and a house is enough, the most she could to get us money was worry at the time). 

You know what?  This whistful walk down memmory lane is fun and all, but i just called someone about a writing job, and i just looked at the shit i have on this website--my god what a meager example, why am i so stingy with my writings? Do i really think they'll make me millions of dollars someday...  Maybe, but i can afford to at least give... oh, 25%?  And i'll have to save some of the really good stuff, but anyway, i'll explain about the whole rocking-horse winner thing later--or read the story and it will make sense enough.

Anyway, i've got to update the Text.  And i got to mention this thing with the ex... Next time.

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 9:25 AM

Friday, September 12, 2003 0:06 AM

Saturday, September 13, 2003 9:35 AM

Do not adjust your monitors, this is a green background.

Spliffs are nice, aren't they?  I think so.  Lots to do today, lots indeed. I will create and proliferate today.  Maybe work on some video.  Regardless, i will be doing something to smoke to.

Computers are very easy to work with, no wonder a bumble head like George can keep his job at Spacely's.

Have I mentioned lately how much i love the Smurfs?  New favorite cartoon.  My most attachment is still to ducktales, Smurfs was always on at 5:30 AM when i growing up on Saturdays, and only for so long, if i remember.  I watch lots of smurfs now.  Either on digital cable on demand or boomerang or sometimes even on cartoon network. They're all part of the same network, and they obviously own the rights to the whole series, i believe.  Who owns cartoon network? Turner? Who cares.

That is not smurfy.

Papa smurf is 500 years old, or something.  Which is why he's so wise. His plans always work.  Gargamel's never do.   And Gargamel isn't a cute animal for an antagonist (like Tom, especially in those first few years), so you don't feel bad for his eventual downfall.  Everything is so simple and pure in the world of Smurf, never are you worried that Gargamel might eat a Smurf.  I mean, he's never even eaten one yet, and he's probably been searching for them all his life. He just seems like a pathetic old man who needs the smurfs to chase for a reason to live.  And the Smurfs need Gargamel for a little jovial fun. Sure, they all yell "Gargamel" when they see him, but how can they be scared of him?  Its nice to see the villain is the one bumbling instead of a protagonist like Gilligain or Astromutt.  And the protagonist always finds happiness with no bitter notes, not like an episode of Married with Children. Because in true sitcom fashion, they must return to status quo at the end of each episode, for continuity, but the Smurfs get to retun to utopian bliss.

No one really seems to mind there's only one female smurf (of legal age).  But that's cause Smurfs are first sexless--i just watched an episode where Gargamel said he created Smurfette.  Smurfette is just another classifier of Smurf, like Taylor or Hefty.  You only need one class of Smurf it seems.  As long as there's infinite number of Smurfs (and they just create a new Smurf as needed per the premise of the episode), and there's at least one adjective for any verb, then smurfs can accomplish any verb, and thus any action, and thus--are omnipotent.  Provided they work together properly, and that's what Papa smurf is.  He'll live forever, he won't go anywhere.  There will always be Papa smurf to confront the evil, which is so rediculous, it's abstract, and even easier to not sympathize with.  Gargamel makes for a good devil.

I figure the communist angle has already been worked, might as well give the pantheistic view.  Actually more like a binity--two gods in one, Papa Smurf and then everyone else.  Well anyway, this may lead one to ask what's Gargamel's ethnicity. Well, I think its French, but i've heard many different opinions--Gypsy, anglo-saxon, jewish (predominantly).  I just think he's French cause the kingdom nearby is clearly French, and not all French people age well.  Well, anyway, I don't think Smurfism is an extention of any judeo-christian ideology.  So...  Anyway, I'm just thinking of what a jewish friend told me, not sure of how prevasive the idea that Smurfs was anti-semetic is.  I don't think it was. Gargamel simply has unattractive features, any association to any culture having these features, is racism in they eye of the beholder.

Anyway, I love smurfs.  Nothing more simple and complacent than religious allegory.

Saturday, September 13, 2003 10:05 AM

Monday, September 15, 2003 2:26 PM

Tube extending from mouth as usual.  Did a lot of updating.  and i still want to do more.  I don't work till wednesday, if i do work. and i really hope i get this other job i've been working for.  I need money, obviously, why else would i sit on a rocking chair all day?

The girl from work, not the one i mentioned earlier, since, she won't check out the website. Why would she, personal websites are usually very lame.

I sure hope i get this other job...  God the retail job is like, holding by a thread, no pun intended, and this other job, is so tantalizingly close, but i can't get an interview, or at least, its taking a bit... i am just impatient.

I realized i needed somethin, when i was performing at the comedy open-mic--jokes. i got to try some jokes.  Its not hard, if you just remember what you're doing.  Maybe i shoud write some jokes right now.

Let's see, the best humor comes from ones real life, the more embarassing/self-abasing the better. Hmm.

I don't get laid a lot.  My average is somewhere between the frequency of the census and Hailey's comet.

Its been so long, i don't even remember what pussy tastes like.  I mean, I assume, it still tastes like pussy--but I have no idea.

I have absolutely no clue how to acheive intimacy--once there, boom, i'm set.  Unlike a lot of guys, I can deal with intimacy. I kick intimacy's ass.

But I got no moves to get from "hello" -- to fucking.  I was talking to her, she's blah blah, my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, we just have sex every once in a while, doesn't treat me good, blah blah, mundane story about her old retail job, blah blah blah, she wants to be a massage therapist, blah blah.  I interrupt and say:

"here let's try this, clear your mind, no, no, shhhhh..."  I move in close.  "Just close your eyes, trust me."  And this is where i should have just touched her cheek, or just fucking kissed her. But no... Not the great Valentino.  (I was born on Valentine's day, just the first crewl irony life was to hand out to me.)

I say, 5 inches from her mouth, "so, do you want to kiss me?" She looks at me through the corner of her eye, starts turning slightly away, pauses... and it starts... "mmmm" then "mmmnnnnnn..." then slow moton, now, "nnnnnnnoooooo...."   Well, that was that, i drove her bitch ass home.

So, yes, i smoke weed.  Goddamn, i knew everyone of you knew it, the minute you saw me, you were all looking--and i know one of you is part of that rotating tail the CIA has on me.  Yes, i smoke weed, but like it has no effect on me.

Agent Correlli don't think I don't see you just cause you're in drag!

I smoke, because i'll leave the drinking to the experts, and stick largely to what I'm good at.  In fact, i'm for the movement: Temperance for Pot. We'll have slogans like:  "hey the stoned guy is less likely to kill you than your drunk ass--if someone must drive intoxicated, just put the stoner in the seat and tell thim its a video game.  There aint nothing wrong with a litte peace-herb, baby baby."

You lose your train of thought a lot.

Which is why i like to make up new tracks, which brings me back to my theory that ostrach meat has led to the sterility of the males of New Zealand. In a related story, I...

So yes, does that answer your question?

Anyway, I got cought with eau de te eche hace (I looked for french, couldn't find it).

Enough of this, i'll pick it up later.  I want to interview already...  I better keep looking, fuck, back to this again.

Monday, September 15, 2003 3:16 PM

Thursday, September 18, 2003 0:02 AM

I'm afraid i'm going through a strange metamorphosis.  I still have all the vitality and creative drive of my "youth"--a few years ago--but i'm beginning to mellow out a bit on some things. One of these things is women, and well, you get a theory and you just got to share it, you know?  Anyway, I'm thinking I'm going about this all wrong--as usual.  But this time my idea is...

Well its not completely formed, but i think this phase of my life, started with the email i sent recently.  An email of true finality, and well...

As far as i understand it, men and women are supposed to meet and interact, and eventually they seperate, go their ways.  And clearly the amount of interaction should indicate a proportional amount of post-seperation anxiety.  Ergo, something that lasts a few weeks should not plague my mind for years.

Well, this is quite a relief i tell you.  I must remember this, and move on, and if i seek finality in closure. or closure in finality. Or whatever.  If i should want to email another goodbye this is the last email (since the last-last email)...  That's my perogative.  Though, i don't have to do anything about these other girls, nothing active--i probably shouldn't even send emails.  I should just cut it off. close the chapter.  cauterize the wound.  Forget it ever existed...

At least, that's what i could try.  But I dont' think i'll have to.  This isn't a contrived thing, its a perceived change within myself.  I'm 24, so perhaps it took me a while, or perhap its coming too soon--but i think this is perfectly 24 year old thinking.  I know its sad to say goodbye to silly-boy nonsense.  Growing up is not an easy thing to do.

But the longer i keep these reminiscent thoughts of beautiful girls who stole my heart--the more my heart aches--and more my body is inactive. I don't know how it'll pay off in finding new women.  Perhaps it will be make me more attentive to the dramatic possibility before me.  Or maybe the release of such a self-pitying burden will make me more confident, and thus attractive to women.  Or...  Maybe this is all part of a delayed evolution.  I sure would like to be old enough to ask someone out on a date.

I'm not sure how i'm going to find these women or where. But luckily that's not part of the plan.  I don't have to do anything to a woman, for a woman, about a woman.  This is all about relieving stress.  And about growing up. I really think i may be a big kid now.

I can't believe i ate 3 lbs of pretzel peanut butter nuggets in 3 days.  Maybe more.  Anyway, where was i?

Right, uh, I'm maturing.  Anyway, i'll keep you informed on how all that goes.  Oh, and, i'm getting sleepy--but in a wonderful way--so i'm going to sleep.  take my zoloft right now, even.  Alright, so then... What was i...  Oh yes, in case i don't get to updating the new--cause i'm going to sleep very soon, and very blissfully soundly.  I've got a whole shit load of video available--there's a link on the index.  Anyway, I don't like showing it, cause i don't think i'm --

Oh who cares, its all video of when i was young.

Thursday, September 18, 2003 0:34 AM

Sunday, September 21, 2003 2:10 PM

have you ever been too introspective?  i have, i am. i must be productive.  but i'm not... in a productive... by conventional means... mood.

i am still more capable of doing a lot of things than if i was, say, doing something else. oh boy, i'm in an enigma mood.

Friends are slowly giving up smoking.  Eventually, though, if i stick to my pony, i will win--is actually my mentality.

I frankly, don't trust myself not to smoke. To try to live the straight and narrow, ignoring my natural inclinations, or facing them head-on.  I feel whatever i do allow myself, will become my new overriding desire. Ergo, if i allow myself a beer, or a sugar donut, or a nut, i'd become soused, fat, or perverted.  All more desirable than allowing something like coke, heroin, Yu-Gi-Oh, orwhateveritscalled, something were excess leads to disaster or death.

Of course I could give up injesting any stimulant, depressant, go off all perscribed drugs, no sugar, no caffeine, no nicotine, no thc, and try to do it without any religious conversion.  (Since religion belongs in the "leads to disaster or death" catagory of excess.)  I would not try to replace it with anything possibly addictive.  I'd have only one hour of excersize, two hours of sunshine, maybe, maybe a breath or two of fresh air (but i bet even oxygen can be addictive).

No, i know myself too well, there's a part of my brain devoted to doing something repeatedly. I could probably give up the 'nich, the toeback, the redbulls, but i'd need to supplement with something be it yoga, excessively masturbating, or--my greatest fear--drinking.  Though i know deep down, that i have the most control over that, but certainly not by tempting the devil. So... i say smoking keeps the devil at bay, he doesn't get bored, and i am always satisfied.

And by the way, all these people who have given up smoking?  They all drink two or three times as much as me--at least.  We were talking about it at the party last night.

...

I left and watched jake play a video game.  bored.  alrgiht, i gotta do something, we'll see.

Sunday, September 21, 2003 3:27 PM

Monday, September 22, 2003 3:59 PM

Gotta make this quick, got two episodes of columbo waiting for me on the Tivo. And one is one of the movies he did after the show left the air, those are always good. 

So, in preparation, i'm heatgunning it.  can't smoke inside the house, and this is perfect... now all i need is a hose attachement long enough to go around the corner and out the door.  No smell after all, so i can smoke and watch at the same time.  So ideal.

i don't need to be high to enjoy columbo, but its a special thing for me, so i like to celebrate it with a little garnish.  Hunger may be the best pickle, but weed makes the best... um...  MSG?  No, i'm sure there's a better metaphor--i'm no ben franklin--he was a hop-head after all.  I wonder what his thoughts were on drinking?  and you know, i'd be fine with the turkey as a state bird.

okay, okay, the only reason I haven't put detailed instructions of the heatgun vaporizer online is i'm afraid of the government. But the free exchange of ideas, the value to society, the fact that no one else seems to have thought of it.  Is this against the goverment? I'm not detailing the parts to a bom--i'm so scared to even use the word, just cause then i'll get googled or something... In short, the only reason I haven't done it is paranoia.

I don't want to be a martyr.  I know they don't want to make me into a martyr--for i would not go gently into that dark night--or whatever, its a sin to misquote either Dylan, forgive me.  Or maybe i would, depends on how serious they were.  But if they were to circumvent the justice system...

Okay, so its fear out of ignorance.  That's usually the case with all fear. I'm running a huge risk giving this knowledge out.  But...  Well, for one, i want to show you how i converted my desk into part of a smoking device--seeing as its not really my desk, and i have to return it, and i have to replace the bottom of the drawers.  And thus there is an imperative to document this.  As i think it is very clever.  Oh...  Such a conflict.

I mean, it could be good for society in general, another way to transfer perscribed medicines, or legal self-prescribeds like nicotine, without the harmful effects of smoke inhalation?  Our society is based on the fundamental right to free speech.  And certainly when there is clearly no intention of making money.  I no longer have the webstore, my heart wasn't into it, and it cost me rediculously in monthly fees.  www.awbvious.com has been free and shall always be that way.  And thus, it is the free press, I will simply describe my experience--this will not be a how-to.  Yes...  A narrative.  A narat  Eww, a little too blaring of a color.

A narative.  Would be far more interesting for me to write, and perhaps for thou to read.  I'd like to do it in homeric verse... but maybe then i'm pushing it.  Yes, that will delay the process immensely.  So, another story... Of sorts.  To work on tonight.  You can thank my retail job for not giving me th ehours, and the ... well wherever the inspiration comes from.  So expect a post in the "What's New" section, soon...  Though...  I've said this maybe 5 times now in this greenroom alone...  Ah, but now i have an angle and a way to approach.  Oh... But what about Columbo?  No...  I must follow through.  I'm suddenly feeling the urge to play a golfing video game--though i've never really golfed, the language has already seeped into my diction.

Okay, this color is really fucking with my eyes.  Let's all pray to the god of their choice (and atheists can just place bets) that I finish this task, for i know someone will interrupt me.

Monday, September 22, 2003 4:29 PM

Saturday, September 27, 2003 8:00 PM

Oh... dear god. Here i was just enjoying my day off, a nice, lazy saturday. I slept in till about 6.  I stayed up last night, as, for once, i didn't have to go to work at some ungodly hour in the AM.

Oh jesus.  I jsut realized. Jesus. When i woke up, mind you, about 2 hours ago, but its hard to explain that to people.

Jesus. I toke someone's shift.  at work. and i'm alredy on uberprobation for lateness. oh this is not good.  Worst of all, its a shift i covered for someone previously mentioned here...  damn, this is not good.

Fuck. No bigger buzz-kill than when you realize something you completely forgot. And I know exactly why too. Its rediculously stupid.

I said I would take someone's shift on like..  God, what day was that. i need to take my ginko.

I mean, i woke up, mind you 2 hours ago, most of the shift, if not all, has past.  I mean, i could quickly call and apologize, but in my distraught current nature, it would not help.

I still have to listen to the fucknig 3 messages i have on my cell.

I don't like to listen to messages, they are like mail, bearer of bad news of money i owe.  Oh shit! Anyway, i looked at my history, and i didn't recognize any of the numbers, like my store's number, for example.  I thought it wasn't worth listening to, but still, this is after the fact.

I stayed up till ... jesus, well it was getting light out, so a few hours probably before the shift.  Fuck.  This is typical of me. And I know, as mad as i am at myself, i'm going to end up trying to figure out how this happened, that i become such a creature.

I mean. Its all over now, i can apologize as much as i want, whether its done immediately or the next day, argh...  jesus. No.  i have to take care of it soon.  and i need to sober up... or do i just need to get it done?  either way, i can't very well enjoy myelf and a this wakishbakish. Not now. Oh, this is not good.  not good at all.

oh, so typical of me.  Oh, and why?

Cause i didn't write it down.  I didn't put it in my schedule. My schedule wasn't in my wallet. And i didn't again seen my schedule for some time after.  And since my job isn't one i even think about outside of work time.  Ah jesus.  I don't know what to do... I suppose first i'll have to check my messages.  Oh fuck, the number of people i have let down by this one mistake.  Jesus, its like...  Well...

I must conjecture, for if i can find the root, maybe i can fix the problem.  I think its a dependance on others.  My mother, mailed everything for me, remembered when i had to do anything, wrote it on the calender, woke me up every morning with a cup of tea and a drawn bath.  My mother made it so i didn't have to do anything but watch tv and go to school.  The rest was all worked out by her. Sign here. Sure. Whatever.  This goes on full thru high school.  The only exception is that eventually I took to taking showers. But as long as i was home, mom had a cup of tea when i was to be woken up--who needs an alarm clock, i just put a post-it note on my door with a wake up time. Maybe some toast, or anything else, if i were to specify ahead of time.

Godddamn, that woman was too good to me.  Anyway, i go to college, and for the first year, i flounder.  I get too caught up in finally getting to live my life.  Rather than have it lived for me. So i party, meet people, things like that...  You know, i saw this episode of law and order where olivett went so far as to call creating such a dependance to the point of isolation a form of child abuse.  Of course the kid was abducted by said parental figure.

God, i can't blame anyone...  But I...  Shit...  No someone must be blamed, and that is me, and i don't know to what end?  Tale end of first year, beginning second year of college.  I go out with a girl, this becomes a relationship.  Either its extreme codependancy or love, but it lasts 2 and a half years.  I excell in my studies again, as i did in highschool.  She wasn't like my mother though, in that she didn't dote after me, but was patient in my own slow evolution to inter-dependance.

Still some habits die hard.  And i wonder some time.  Einstein, we all know him, we know he didn't know his own address, didn't use the telephone--i'm not sure, wore the same outfit everyday, was taken care of by his second-cousin, who i think eventually became his wife.  Well, i wonder how his mother treated him all the way up to puberty.

Anyway, the girlfriend leaves, a few years pass, who counts?  I find complete isolation is actually the most ideal for productivity.  Well, of things like writing.  Things of absolutely no use. Waste of time, way to delay the inevitable--which is obviously, checking my cell phone messages...

Anyway, its true i began to smoke more, but in general, my habits never changed.  I can't think of a single period in my life, where i could remember something like "go to work on saturday" with complete confidence, if told to me even three days before the occassion--unless i wrote it down or told it to somebody.  Obviously.  I can always keep producing till i accomplish something by complete accident.  And then I can get an assistant.  They just don't have assistants for retail sales associates.

Oh fuck!  Okay, okay, i'll check my messages.  Hold on.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 8:37 PM

First call, someone asking if i'll cover a shift.  Someone completely different than this girl.  weird.

Second, my friend telling me about a party.  Save it, i'll listen to it again later.

What?  No other messages? Did i forget or not?  Shit, now i got to call my store.  Or should i?  Or should i just play it off like I hadn't heard of it until then mention it the next time i come to work?  No, that's stupid. i should call, the sooner i do, the sooner, i can have peace of mind.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 8:43 PM

Oh!  Whew...  Jesus. What a relief!  My life was flashing before my eyes.  I just talked to the manager.  Two people called in sick, but no one didn't show who wasn't supposed to.  I wasn't on the grid.  No one was going to get in trouble. i wasn't in trouble.  everything... everything is alright.

Well!  At least I'm glad I didn't panic.

Saturday, September 27, 2003 8:45 PM

Monday, September 29, 2003 5:03 AM

damn, that was genius, now its gone.  program crapped out on me.  lost a very clever ode by a guy, who in the end forgets the girl's name... such a shame.

Monday, September 29, 2003 5:03 AM