I like porn.  And I thought I was the luckiest guy alive because I knew this girl who also liked to watch porn.  She even came to my place and watched porn with me.  Now normally, I don’t make watching porn a group activity.  Some guys like to get around and watch it, I don’t personally don’t see the point if you can’t whip it out.  And I don’t want to whip it out around any guys, and it kinda makes me wonder why guys would want to put me in such a situation in the first place.  It’s like, Fred, hey, yeah, as much as I’d like to go with you and get a porno and a six pack and get aroused and drunk in a room full of aroused and drunk men without any aroused and drunk women—ah, sorry…

Anyway, when I was with this girl, all I could think about was…   Well what do you think?  What would it be like to have sex with her—she’d probably be into all kinds of kinky shit.  The prospect was so tempting, I even put up with having to watch porn without getting to whip it out, and go hours without relief as we both watched some filthy, filthy stuff.  And let me tell ya, porn isn’t high auteur cinema.  After a while, you lose you’re ability to suspend your disbelief that a nun could actually have really big, really fake breasts.  And then it’s hard to take the whole communal showers and sodomy with crucifixes seriously.

Anyway, one day, we did go at it.  See, all the other times, we’d just get aroused.  This time we got aroused AND drunk, again, the perfect combination, assuming again a proper male / female ratio.  No more than one male, no less than one female, perfect.  Except…  Well, perhaps it was all the porn we’d watch.  Because…  Well, everything was going fine at first.  Clothing was a bit difficult, as it’s not made to be taken off drunk—which is a serious design flaw—but otherwise everything was going smoothly.  Then she starts, out of nowhere:

“Oh yeah, you like fucking me in my pussy?”

I’m like, “what?  is that a rhetorical question or do you want me to state the obvious?”  Instead it came out as “uuuungh.”  Which she, I think, took for a yes.

“Yeah, you like it don’t you?  I want you to fuck me in my tight little pussy with your big strong dick.”

I’m like, “well, the big strong dick part, maybe… You can’t seriously think this is arousing?”  Of course, all she heard “uuuuuu-uuungh.”

“Come on baby, fuck me.  I can’t wait to taste your cum.”

“What?  Oh, come on…”

“mmm, yeah, daddy, fuck me hard, then cum all over my tits, I want to lick it off.”

I was like, if I find a tattoo on the small of her back, I’m getting fucking tested tomorrow.  Does she think I watch porn because I’m a fan of the dialogue?  And then the thought that maybe she actually liked porn on some sick, twisted aesthetic level…  Well that just turned me off so much, I almost didn’t finish.

But I did.

And, on her tits.

And, yes, she did, lick it off.

And I thought, some times it is good to be plebian.