interviews


int. daily show set – day
JON Stewart is starting the show.
Jon
Hey Everybody, what, uh, you enjoys those battlebots there.

Welcome to the show!  Oh my, it’s just, I think I will cry.  Such uh, such a good show.

and uh check this out.
Feigns a slow throw with his pen at the camera.
jon
does nothing.

Oh my goodness people, today we have, and I’m not even kidding about this.  I thought about kidding about this, but I changed my mind.

Name2…  What the…
censor beep
jon
That is one long name, let me tell ya.

Alright let’s get to it.  Headlines!
 
int. daily show set – day
jon
My first guest has done some, ah, many acclaimed works, his most notable this clip… right here...  Which I haven’t seen.
--Clip.

Man’s eyes.
Man’s eyes close, open bloodshot red, shakes.
Man’s head in frame, shakes, drops down.  Head comes back into frame, looks perfectly normal.  But an eye twitches, then he’s visibly trying to keep calm (doing a good job).  Suddenly…

Bobbers gets up and throws a pillow down.  Bobbers gets agitated, Simple comes to his side, Bobbers shrugs him.
simple
The Jam!  The Jam!  Someone get The Jam.

Cliff-dog leaves, cuts the music, finds two very similar kitties, and comes back with both in hand.  Simple has a blanket over Bobbers, who seems like he is in shock.  Simple offers Bobbers the bong, he shakes his head.  Cliff-dog waits, then not sure which one to give, guesses and proffers one to Simple.
Simple
No, that’s The Joint!
He points to the other cat, the tag says “The Jam” (the other’s says “The Joint”).
Simple
That’s The Jam.  Quick, The Jam.

Simple gives it to Bobbers, who immediately starts petting him, and calming slowly.

Musical number, calm music comes in a la end of Deeez Nuuuts.
bobbers
     What can I do?
     I… can’t be faded.
     I’m a half-jew from the mothefuckin suburbs
     I… can’t be faded.

[end clip]
int. daily show – day

Jon Stewart:
jon
What the hell…?  Ladies and Gentleman, Mr. name2.  Show your love.
AWBVIOUS comes out, slowly, goes back out.  Jon Stewart makes like enticing a small animal out of a burrow.  Awbvious comes out, darts to the other side, stops and acts all casual like nothing happened.  Shakes hand, Stewart pulls him in, he comes in, Stewart says something in his ear.  Awbvious looks disgusted/offended.  Then pulls Stewart in, whispers something, then Stewart looks embarrassed, laughs heartly.  They both sit down.
jon
So first of all, what the hell is with that name.
awbvious
You’re not even going to tell them what that was all about.
jon
Ah, no, these people have, uh, uh, precious ears, not meant to hear such, uh, frankly, filth.
Both pause.  Rumblings in the audience.  Jon laughs heartly.
awbvious
Alright, when he pulled me in just now.  He just told me he had sex with my mom, and my sister, in my Pontiac Sunbird.
jon
You!  You, no, I just said, uh, please stop me if I start to cry.
(beat)
No, I just said, uh, hey, welcome to the show.
(beat)
Man, you know, that didn’t sound nearly as lame then, as it did just now.
Jon laughs.  Awbvious, looks points.
Jon
Yes, I laugh at my own jokes it’s sad.  You know what?  I’m a sad old man…  But you.
awbvious
But me.
jon
Yes you.
awbvious
King of the segues.
jon
Who you?
awbvious
No you.
jon
Oh me?  Well, uh, yes.  Thank for you recognizing as such…  as such you would being such a talented young director as well as a screenwriter.  And might I say, dashing in suede.
Audience hollers.
awbvious
Well thank you for noticing, otherwise I’d have felt horrible for going through those 4 hours putting this together.
jon
And you know what?  Every hour shows.
awbvious
Oh, you forgot.
jon
What?
awbvious
You haven’t told them what I told you.
jon
Oh right.
Looks sheepish to camera.
jon
No…
(segueing)
But what you haven’t told me is what the hell is with your name.
awbvious
(tired)
No, sorry, there’s no anecdote, your secretary pried it out of me, I did it reluctantly anyway.  She said, “that’s perfect, especially that whiny thing you do about not wanting to tell the story as you tell the stoy.  Perfect, go with it.”
jon
(laughs)
So I take it, that’s why you made the comment.  I was wondering why you picked her out of any of the other fine ladies on the staff.
Audience uproars.
jon
No, you’re not hearing it.  My show, my rules.  And if you don’t like it… well then…  I hope you’re willing to put in the time to come up with some new rules.
awbvious
I’m not.
jon
Yeah.
awbvious
I can’t be sitting around here drinking tea while a committee is delegated for new legislature…
jon
Oh please the whole thing would be locked up by Strom Thurmond filibustering by getting up on the stand and just… decomposing for hours on end.
awbvious
What?
jon
It was earlier in the show.  But uh, look at this.
awbvious
what?
jon
This card.
Holds up his blue card, turns it over back and forth.
jon
We haven’t done a single item.  We haven’t talked about the movie.
awbvious
13 Miles.
jon
Which I hear is phenomenal.  But look, we haven’t even done the first item.
Shows emphatically to Awbvious.
jon
The first item!  Which is, coincidentally enough, “Ask name2 about his name.”
Awbvious
Did she write that, saucy wench?
jon
Show some love everybody!
Music comes in.  Awbvious and Jon do a handslap/shake.  Pat on shoulder.  Jon tucks his tie into his coat.  Awbvious takes a sip of water.