ButtermastEr

Empty stage with a big table in the middle.  On-screen text:  “This is a paid promotion for the Buttermaster, SRTV and its constituents do not endorse nor are responsible for this product or this sketch if it sucks.”  Next: “After all, this sketch has been done SO many times before and probably better than this.”  An ANNOUNCER is heard.
announcer
In just a few exciting seconds you will be given the great privilege to actually purchase this new renovation in butter technology, the Buttermaster!  But first, let’s meet our guides in this fantastic journey to buttering convenience: Greg and Mary Johnson.
GREG and MARY run out and wave to the adulation of the crowd, dressed in yuppie attire and bad hair.
mary
Okay, okay, Greg you’ve been talking incessantly about this amazing invention for I don’t know how long...  Alright, I’ll bite,
(kidding)
If only to shut you up.
Greg looks slightly angry, recovers, laughs.
greg
Well, I got good reason to talk about this great invention,
(slight resentment)
Mary...
(recovers)
You see, the Buttermaster is the best invention since...
Pulls out a plate with bread on it.
greg
Sliced bread!
Crowd applauses enthusiastically.
greg
And as good as sliced bread is, it’s nothing without...
Takes out a big tub of butter.
greg
Butter!
Crowd applauses even more enthusiastically.
greg
I mean, have you tried just plain bread...  It’s horrible!
Takes a bite out of a slice, looks disgusted and spits it out, drops the bread, wipes his tongue.
greg
Uggh, disgusting!  Unbuttered bread!
Pause.
Mary
But Greg, how do you get the butter,
Gesturing at butter.
mary
On the bread?
Gesturing at bread.
greg
(slightly angry, under breath)
I was getting to that...
(normal)
Actually, it’s quite easy with...
Pulls out an incredibly large box with Buttermaster written on it.
greg
The Buttermaster!
mary
Come on Greg.  How can this one appliance manage the whole complicated mess of buttering bread?
Greg
(resentful)
Must you question everything I do?  Can’t you have faith in me, just once!
(normal—Mary taken aback)
Actually, you’re right to be skeptical.  I mean, after all, we’ve all tried to butter bread on our own, haven’t we?
Crowd applauses.
greg
(making it sound horrible)
I mean, first you get out the bread, then you have to scurry around and try to find a knife.  Then when you do eventually find the knife, you have to reach in and scoop out the butter, and try to get the butter on the bread.  And you’re all over the place trying to get the butter to stay on the bread.  And by then you’re just too worn out to enjoy the bread!  Am I right?!
Crowd applauses knowingly.
Mary
It’s about time they found a better, quicker way.
greg
(resentful)
Couldn’t find one quick enough for you, could they!  Well, lucky for you, they did.
(normal)
And lucky for us too, huh, folks?
Crowd applauses.
greg
And after these testimonials from real people just like you and me, we’ll see if the Buttermaster can really stand up in a test...
Mary
You mean against the old-fashioned knife and hand routine?
greg
(exhasperated, sarcastic)
Yes, of course, Mary.  What else?  A spelling bee?  My god woman.
Fade in to testimonials.  JIM and JILL are sitting next to or on top of each other on couch.
JILL
The Buttermaster has to be the best thing that has happened in our lives.  I know it sounds pathetic...
JIM
Real pathetic.
JILl
But it’s true.  Our marriage has never been stronger.  And since we’ve gotten that Buttermaster...
Leans in.
jill
Jim’s been just a tiger in bed.
jim
(embarased)
Stop, Jill!
jill
It’s true!  I thought that Viagra was something, but I swear...
jim
What can I say, there’s just something in the way that Buttermaster butters that bread that really butters my bread...  If you catch my drift.
jill
(coyly)
Oh, Jim!
They laugh, and she pats him on the leg, and starts rubbing it nonchalantly, fade out.  Cut to a totally ineffectual GUY, standing by another table with butter and knife and bread, as in a commercial within the infomercial.  An ANNOUNCER is heard.
announcer
Has this happened to you?
Montage starts.  First Guy tries stubbornly to get butter out a small tub.  Then he’s not paying attention and misses the bread and puts it on his hand.  Then he takes a bite into his hand by accident and winces in pain.  Then a shot with butter on his forehead and him looking up at it.  Next you see butter all over except on the bread, and then the knife slips out of his hand (from butter).  He reaches to get it and slips on the ground (from butter).  He falls out of shot and the Announcer is heard.
Announcer
Hey!
Guy perks his head up and props himself onto the table.
Announcer
You need a Buttermaster!
He nods.
announcer
(off-hand)
Spazz.
He falls to the ground.  “Buttermaster” is shown on screen.  Fade out.
Cut back to Greg and Mary.  Mary is on the left with a stick of butter, two pieces of bread on a plate, and the Buttermaster.  Greg is on the right with the big tub of butter, two slices of bread, and a knife.
greg
Well, we’re just about ready to start...  But wait, who’s that?  Why, it’s none other than Tony Randall, also known as Felix of TV’s Odd Couple.
mary
I wonder what he’s doing around here?
greg
(irritated)
Instead of just standing there stupidly wondering, why don’t you ask him?
Mary is taken aback, starts to talk, Greg interrupts.
Greg
Why are you here, Tony?
tony
Well, Greg, I heard about this amazing invention and I just had to come by and see for myself.
greg
Then, you are in for a treat.  We’re just about to see if the Buttermaster can take the challenge against the old knife and hand routine.
mary
Just between you and me, Tony, my money’s on me and the Buttermaster.
greg
(agitated)
What is this?!  You don’t think I can win?  Not only do you think you’re better than me, you’re telling Tony Randall?!  I can’t believe you!
(normal, Mary aback)
But, let’s face it, the Buttermaster is a sure bet.  Nonetheless, let’s try it out.
(coyly)
I don’t know Mary, I think I might actually win...  I’m pretty handy with a butter knife.  You’re going down.
MAry
No way, Greg, my Buttermaster and me are going to make mincemeat out of you and your butter knife.
Greg
(angry yell)
You vindictive, frigid bitch!
(normal)
Let’s see who wins.
Mary calmly takes the bread and puts it in the box, puts in a stick of butter, waits a moment, and then takes out the bread, evenly buttered (a swap is made within the box).  Meanwhile, Greg is muttering and swearing under his breath as he races to butter the bread, ruining the bread.  He says as he butters:
greg
Lousy woman, tells me she can beat me.  Just like her damn mother.  Not like my mother, I love my mother.  I have to protect her from bad people who want to take her away.  Must kill bad people.  Mary never liked mother...
As soon as Mary stops buttering she looks at Greg.
mary
Looks like we won after all, Greg.
Greg looks wildly and evilly at Mary.  Mary is frightened.  Greg runs at her with the butter knife a la Psycho.  She screams and falls like in the movie.  Can’t see either behind the table.  In run Jim and Jill, half undressed and mussed.
Jill
Oh my god, he’s killed her with the butter knife!
Tony Randal looks at them.
tony
How gauche.
Buttermaster screen display is shown again.  Announcer is heard.  While he talks Jim and Jill get it on again.
announcer
The Buttermaster, for just 4 installments of 49.95, plus shipping and handling, you can have this revolutionary invention for your very own. Also works with margarine.
(quieter)
Putting jams and peanut butter could result in fire or birth defects in women 3 months or more pregnant.  In fact, children, pregnant women, or older people with heart conditions should not operate or even be near the Buttermaster.
Just then, Tony Randall collapses, clutching his chest.
Announcer
Act now and with this special TV offer get the free adapter that will allow your Buttermaster to work with toast as well.  You’ll also get a cookbook with thousands of nearly unique ways to butter bread.  But supplies are limited and this special offer will not last forever so act now.
Cut to a graphic screen with address and telephone #.  A different ANNOUNCER 2 is heard.
announcer 2
Send check or money order to “I Don’t Feel Like Trying to Think Up a Fake Address” or call “1-800-SAME GOES.”  Rush delivery is available, operators are standing by.
Cut back to main scene, show Randal desperately trying to get up and get away, Jim and Jill getting it on, and Greg with bloodied clothes enjoying a slice of Buttermaster buttered bread.