MAX
Hello again.
KURT
Hello.
MAX
It's been a while.
KURT
Or so.
MAX
Or so it seems?
KURT
No, its been a while. No more no less.
MAX
What's new?
KURT
Not much. The queen's dead you know.
MAX
no, really?
KURT
yes, really. Its quite tragic. Seems she slipped in the shower.
MAX
I didn't know queens could die that way.
KURT
Oh yes, shower slippage has been a scurge on the royalty. Its because they have little tiny bar soaps, you know the kind they have in hotels. They easily slip out of hands, and treacherously fall on shower floors. But the daintiness of those little soaps is considered very genteel, so they're used despite the many fatalities connected with them.
MAX
That would explain it...
(pause)
So the queen's dead.
KURT
Yep.
MAX
huh.
KURT
yep.
MAX
(after a brief pause)
Anything else new?
KURT
Oh yes. I seemed to have acquired a talking dog.
MAX
what? No.
KURT
Seriously. A talking dog.
MAX
But you already have a dog.
KURT
And now I have another one, a talking one, no less.
MAX
what does it say?
KURT
Oh all kinds of things.
MAX
Really?
KURT
Yes. Many many things.
MAX
Like what?
KURT
Oh all kinds of things. You know, like things we say.
MAX
Really? Does it talk about queens dying by little soaps?
KURT
It could I assume. We haven't talked about the queen's recent death though, haven't gotten to it.
MAX
Oh, what have you talked about?
KURT
Nothing much, just you know "wow, you're a talking dog... how long have you been able to talk... What kinds of things can you say..." To which he replied, by the way, that he is a talking dog, he's been able to talk all his life, and the kinds of things he can say are many. But then he surprised me when I asked, "Can you say anything?" To which he replied, of course, "anything." Not stellar wit, mind you, but not bad for a talking dog.
MAX
Oh yes. Not bad for a talking dog. Not bad for any dog, I must say.
KURT
But it gets better, because then I thought to myself. "Maybe he's a bit smarter than I give him credit." Not that I give him a scant amount of credit... After all, he can talk, which is amazing in itself, seeing as most dogs don't have the vocal chords necessary to make precise vocalizations... Well, then I guess, being smart has nothing to do with that, that's probably due to some freak genetic mutation... But it takes some smarts to then be able to speak coherent sentences...
MAX
Not to interrupt...
KURT
Oh yes, anyway, so I thought to myself, "perhaps he just said 'anything' because that's really all you can say with a set up like that." It's like required, just as if I said to you "call me crazy?" or "surely you jest!" In which case, you and I are Shirley, Crazy, in that order--I mean, what else can you say?
MAX
Well to "Surely you jest" I could say, "Who's she! You're sleeping on the couch mister." And slap you.
KURT
Well, I guess that's true... But for "Call me crazy" you have to call me crazy, what else can you do but call me crazy?
MAX
Well, I could say, "Shirley you jest." Then you could say, "no I'm Crazy, how dare you call me by another woman's name... Who's she! You're sleeping on the couch mister." And then slap me.
KURT
Yes, well, anyway, what can you say to "say anything?"
(not leaving time to answer)
Nothing, exactly, except "anything"...
MAX
Well, I could respond, "I'm certainly not going to say 'Shirley' because I don't want to get slapped."
KURT
Anyway!
(exasperated)
I figured I should ask him another one, because that "say anything" one, I think, at least, is a tough one--for anyone, least of all a dog, even a talking one. So I asked "how does sand paper feel?"
MAX
And he said?
KURT
"Scratchy."
MAX
That's a smart dog you got there.
KURT
Sure is.
(MAX slaps KURT)
KURT
(hurt)
What's that for?
MAX
For not setting me up properly.
KURT
Surely you're kidding.
(MAX slaps KURT)
MAX
Thank you.
KURT
You're welcomed.
MAX
So when am I going to see this talking dog of yours.
KURT
Guess what.
MAX
No, I guess "2."
KURT
You have to be original, don't you?
MAX
Sorry. "What?"
KURT
You're looking at him.
MAX
What?
KURT
You're looking at him, that is, I'm the dog. I'm the talking dog.
MAX
Wow, you really are a clever dog.
KURT
Not really. Well, yes, I am smart, relatively. But my ability to appear human, just like my ability to speak, again, has nothing to do with being smart. But my ability to speak does have everything to do with my appearing human. Like I said earlier, dogs can't speak because they don't the right kind of vocal chords. But humans do obviously. And since I have human vocal chords, I can talk. And since the rest of my body is also human, I appear human to you. You see?
MAX
And not just human, but exactly like my friend Kurt. Which is an amazing freak genetic mutation to say the least. In fact, I don't think you are a talking dog, nor a dog at all, I think you are my friend Kurt.
KURT
No, I'm a dog.
MAX
Oh, and what makes you so sure?
KURT
Well, my girlfriend called me one after I mistakenly called her Shirley. First she slapped me of course. So I guess I'm a dog. Call me crazy.
MAX
Surely.
(KURT bites MAX on the arm)
MAX
Okay, okay, your Crazy.
KURT
That's better. Shirley's my dog's name.
MAX
I know, I understand why your girlfriend slapped you.
(MAX slaps KURT)
KURT
Why'd you slap me then?
MAX
Well I need to slap someone for this inane dialogue. I mean, why on earth would you think yourself a dog just on what your girlfriend said?
KURT
I'm surely crazy.
(MAX is about to slap KURT, then stops)
MAX
damn your syntax.
KURT
Surely, I'm crazy.
(MAX slaps KURT)
MAX
That's better.
KURT
Well, I'm not crazy Shirley, cause that's a cat.
(MAX slaps KURT)
MAX
Where's the cat, you are crazy, and for the last time I'm not your dog!