| MOM, DAD, YOU’RE HAVING A BABY!
| FADE IN:
| INT. BOB JR AND BABS’S LIVING ROOM – DAY
| BOB BURLS and SUSAN BURMINGHAM are sitting in chairs, directly
| across form their respective offspring, BOB JR. and BABS.
| Bob, 50ish, is in barber’s attire, Susan, late 30s/early 40s,
| is in typical 60s housewife clothing. Both Bob jr and Babs
| are in their early 20s. They are saccharinely happy and sing-
| songy in their talk. Right now though, you can only see Babs
| and Bob Jr.
| BABS
| Mom…
| Shot of Susan, looking completely expressionless.
| BOB JR
| Dad…
| Shot of Bob, looking the same.
| BABS
| You’re probably wondering why we called
| you to come down here.
| BOB JR
| Well, we want you’re sperm…
| Gesturing towards Bob.
| BABS
| And you’re egg…
| Gesturing towards Susan.
| BOB JR
| To have,
| (happy excited)
| OUR BABY.
| Shot of parents, still as laconic as before. They both
| barely look out of the corner of their eyes at each other.
| BOB JR
| Now, dad, as you know, we’ve been
| married for over a week now, so we’ve
| been thinking of having a baby. Only
| I’m as sterile as one of your combs
| when it comes out of that blue liquid
| stuff…
| BABS
| …And my overies have stopped pumping
| out eggs since, well, I don’t know
| how long. They’re pretty much useless
| now.
| BOB JR
| …And, well, we’ve been thinking for
| a while about what we should do.
| And until recently, it seemed our
| only answer was to adopt children.
| BABS
| But, of course, that was always an
| (emphasizing with destain)
| undesireable last resort…
| They both look with disgust.
| Cut to Susan and Bob who
| are pretty much stupefied.
| BOB JR
| I mean, who would want a complete
| stranger’s baby?
| BABS
| And besides its all about the genes.
| BOB JR
| Of course, if we weren’t both only
| children we’d have gone to our sibilings
| with this. As they would be the ones
| most closely related to us.
| BABS
| See, we talked this over with our
| doctor, and he said that in many cases
| where one person is sterile and two
| people are planning on having a baby,
| that one person would sometimes ask
| their brother or sister to donate
| the sperm or egg needed.
| BOB JR
| As they would be,
| (emphasizing)
| “genetically,”
| (normal)
| as close as possible to the father
| or mother, and thus the two people’s
| son or daughter would be as close
| as possible,
| (emphasizing)
| “genetically,”
| (normal)
| to an offspring conceived by normal
| means.
| BABS
| As its all about the genes.
| Cut to parents for another “non” reaction shot.
| BOB JR
| Anyway, Dad and…
| (goofily)
| “Mom.”
| Bob Jr and Babs squeeze arms like the newlyweds they are,
| then let go.
| BOB JR
| This is where you come in.
| BABS
| See, we’re each “half” you.
| BOB JR
| (interjecting)
| Genetically.
| Babs nods in agreement and continues on.
| BABS
| That is, we both have 50 percent of
| your genetic material in our DNA.
| And, similarly, half of you, is us.
| (beat)
| Now, normally, the same would be true
| of our children. They would be 50%
| me, and 50% Bob Jr.
| BOB JR
| (still happy)
| That is if our sexual organs worked
| properly.
| BABS
| Right. But, since they don’t, we
| were thinking you two could donate
| your eggs and sperm. Since Mom, your
| 50% me…
| BOB JR
| And you’re
| (gesturing toward father)
| 50% me…
| BABS
| And the baby would be half each of
| you… That would make the baby 25%
| me.
| BOB JR
| And 25% me.
| BABS
| You see?
| Shot of parents, expressionless.
| Cut back to Babs and
| Bob Jr. Bob Jr. gets out a poster board with seven stick figures
| labeled with names. In the top row is June, Bob, Susan, and
| then “?” in that order. On the bottom row its Bob Jr., Baby,
| and Babs in that order. A line connects June and Bob, which
| is connected to a line to Bob Jr. (like on a hereditary chart).
| June is colored white with green polka dots, Bob has red polka
| dots, and Bob is completely green on the left and completely
| red on the right. A note is above Bob that says “50% Bob Jr.”
|
| Similarly, a line connects Susan and “?” (which is just that,
| a question mark), which is connected to a line to Babs. Susan
| is black with blue polka dots, ? is black with yellow polka
| dots, and Babs is left-side Blue and right-side yellow. Susan
| has a note saying “50% Babs.” Finally,
| a line goes diagonally from Bob to Baby, as does another from
| Susan to Baby. Baby is left-side white with red polka dots,
| right-side black with blue polka dots, and is a larger stick
| figure than the others. Below it is this note:
| 50% Bob
|
| 50% Susan
| 25% Bob Jr.
| 25% Babs
| [In larger type]
| 50% OURS!!!
| BOB JR
| We thought you might have a hard time
| understanding why we’re asking you
| guys to have our baby. So we made
| this chart.
| (beat)
| Now it should be obvious.
| BABS
| See, this way,
| Pointing to bottom line of Baby’s note.
| BABS
| The baby is 50% our genetic material.
| BOB JR
| That’s half as good as if we had a
| normal child.
| BABS
| In fact, it would be as closely related
| to us as a brother or sister.
| BOB JR
| In fact, it would *be* a brother or
| sister.
| BABS
| To both of us!
| They are both very excited, and they hold each other’s hand.
| Then, Babs becomes a little less excited (but still saccharinely
| happy and sing-songy).
| BABS
| Now, there’s just one other thing.
| Pause.
| BABS
| My uterus is more inhospitable than…
| Trying to think of example.
| BOB JR
| (chiming in)
| Well, one of those jars of blue liquid
| that dad keeps his combs in.
| BABS
| Exactly. Like my defective ovaries,
| my uterus is in such disrepair, I
| could never carry a child. So, mom,
| you’ll have to give birth to it.
| Shot of parents, again unexpressionless, but Susan barely
| raises an eyebrow or perhaps looks off to the side for a second.
| BABS
| Now normally, a younger surrogate
| mother would be preferred, but you’re
| still fairly young as you were knocked
| up by… whoever my father is… when
| you were barely a teenager.
| BOB JR
| Further, we know there won’t be any
| compatability problems if you carry
| the child since, in effect, it will
| be “your” child.
| BABS
| Now, since you would be carrying the
| child, we will be able to save money
| on a costly in vetro procedure.
| BOB JR
| Because, if we could, we’d have them
| mix my dad’s sperm and your egg in
| a petri dish and have it implanted
| into Babs.
| BABS
| That would be ideal. As that way
| it would seem that much more like
| our child, rather than just 50% our
| child.
| BOB JR
| But, hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
| BABS
| Right, this way, we can save money
| and do it the old fashioned way.
| You know, a la turkey baister.
| Shot of parents. Susan’s eyes widen a little.
| BOB JR
| Well, I guess that’s not the “true”
| old fashioned way, though that’s always
| an option if you really wanted it.
| Bob Jr and Babs snicker “naughtily.”
| BOB JR
| (recovering)
| But seriously, it would make chances
| for insemination greater, and need
| for repeated procedures less.
| BABS
| Anyway, that’s all you’ll need to
| do, and you shouldn’t feel weird or
| anything. I mean, its all about the
| genes.
| BOB JR
| Come to think of it, its probably
| a good thing we’re not siring the
| child. With our sexual reproductive
| organs being so out of whack, god
| knows how our child would end up.
| BABS
| Who knows if it even would have sexual
| reproductive organs.
| BOB JR
| Unfortunately, of course, our poor
| genetic material is half due to you
| guys, so who knows how this baby will
| turn out.
| BABS
| Of course, the best thing would be
| to get one of those super babies you
| can buy in Argentina. Their parents
| have IQs of at least 200 a piece,
| and they are engineered…
| BOB JR
| (interjecting)
| Genetically.
| BABS
| Ahead of time to prevent any congenital
| diseases.
| BOB JR
| Only, they’re gastly expensive.
| Cut back to parents. Expresionless.
| A few seconds pause.
| Then Bob reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a check
| book.
| BOB
| (emotionlessly)
| How much?
| FADE OUT
| THE END
|
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