MYSTERY SHAKE

Scene: white room. Bright lights. Man is inside sitting in a white been bag chair, wearing typical middle class clothes. A door opens a la Star Trek, and a woman is thrown inside, also wearing typical attire. She immediately runs to a corner, and crouches. She’s extremely scared, but he’s calm, not moving from his chair. The pressure gets too much for her.

WOMAN
What is this? What are you going to do to me?

MAN
Relax, if I was going to rape you, I’d have done it by now.
(pause)
Then again, maybe I would psychologically torture you for a while, before raping you. That is, if I was going to rape you.

(Woman is very offended)

MAN
Sorry
(though not appearing very sorry)
I’ve lost my social graces long ago
WOMAN
What’s going on? Why am I here?

MAN
Not sure. My guess is that you’re here for me to procreate with. Which means my first comment is probably out of line. Appropriate. But out of line.

WOMAN
What?

MAN
I’m an animal. A zoo animal, as best I can tell. You know, like the Star Trek where Kirk becomes a prisoner, and teaches some nubile alien female about this strange human convention we call “love”? Okay, granted, that’s not very specific. But the one in which he’s kept behind plexiglass, like part of a galactic menagerie?

WOMAN
Sorry, I don’t watch Star Trek: Voyager, or whatever it’s called.

(Man sighs)

MAN
Anyway, I’m thinking I’m not so much on display, as part of a breeding program. No doubt selected for my virility. Or propensity to masturbate. Whichever.

(He motions for her to sit down. She looks to where he motions, but sees nothing. He sighs, and with much effort gets out of his chair to bang on one of the walls. Out pops a ledge for her to sit on. She sits down, and he remains standing.)

I live in this room. Everyday, I get up and I get some kind vitamin shake. It’s kind of like Slim Fast, except its “sweetened” with something that tastes even less like chocolate. It appears next to my bed….

(He casually walks over to another part of the room, bangs on the wall, and out pops a futuroso bed.)

…Along with my clothes, freshly cleaned. These are the same clothes I had when I was
(mock ominously)
“abducted.” I wonder how many others have been abducted, and how many of them also wish they hadn’t worn the boxers with the hole in them.

(He sits down on the bed.)

Anyway, the strangest thing is that this all seems exactly as I imagined it would, straight out of old pulp sci-fi. Perhaps they probed my mind and gave me this surrounding, as it is what I’d expect to be put in after being abducted. Maybe those old sci-fi programs and books really did know what the future looks like. Or maybe the future was fashioned after those books, which means my captors are probably an advance form of human—which would explain the lack of creativity. But I don’t know what my captors look like, I’ve never even been outside this room, so I’m actually in the dark just as much as you are.

(Man looks around the bright room.)

Figuratively speaking, of course.

WOMAN
(calmer)
How long have you been here?
MAN
Only about a month or two. Still, you’d think I’d have gone insane by now. I think they’re putting some alien form of prozac in my shake. Hmm, makes you wonder why they don’t slide Zoloft into the zebra meat in the Cheetah exhibit. Hmm, maybe they do.

WOMAN
(exasperated)
Whatever.
(beat)
God damn it!

(Looks around room. Gives up.)

What about this breeding program thing?

MAN
Oh right, well, along with my shake and clothes, I get this device.

(Man holds up a weird futuroso cup, with lights on the side—unlit—and a moveable lid.)

Basically, it’s a glorified sperm cup, that I’m expected to fill. I figured that out, once I started banging on some of the other sections of the walls.

(He reaches behind himself on the bed, and bangs on the wall. Down comes a large panel, many feet long and wide, and a few inches thick from “the ceiling”. To the audience its just large piece of plastic, painted white, as it’s angled slightly from horizontal, away from them, towards the bed. However by the aghast expression of the woman, and the extremely explicit sounds and porn music filling the room, it’s evident that it is some kind of viewing monitor. Just as the music starts, the cup in the man’s hand lights up, and the cup apparently opens by itself. After a few seconds of watching it, he reaches over with his free hand and bangs on the wall. The panel goes back up and the cup turns off.)

I don’t know how they got the porn, but I figure if they can abduct people they can work the internet.

WOMAN
Still, I don’t know what this has to do with me… Why the fuck I’m here.

MAN
Well, certainly you weren’t selected for you congeniality.
(beat)
Anyway, I was getting to that. At first, I was producing 4 or 5 times in a circadian cycle. I.e. whacking it at least a few times a day, though there’s not really “days” in here. I’m guessing their Alien Prozac doesn’t decrease sex drive, or they put something else in it to increase libido. But their protein shakes and always refreshed porn and…

(He bangs on another panel. Out comes a ledge with a container on it.)

…Alien lubes, wasn’t enough to keep my outputting at such a high—although for me not that unusual—rate. So to “spice things up” I get new gadgets, some more successful than others, like this:

(Bangs on wall. Out comes a ledge near the other with a futuroso helmet.)

…The holy grail, virtually real Virtual Reality porn. I’d be set for life if I could take this technology back with me—financially, that is. Though personally, I feel silly with a 30 pound helmet on my head. Oh, and then there was this:

(Bangs on wall. Out comes a sleek black box.)

Automated prostate massager. This…
(pause)
I didn’t like so much. This, on the other hand, is my favorite:

(Bangs on wall. Panel moves just to reveal an unassuming hole.)

Don’t know, don’t want to know. But, hey, it works.

WOMAN
Again, what does this have to do with me?

(As she speaks, Man bangs to cover hole, return the black box, and return helmet. He’s about to bang to return the lube, but replies:)

MAN
You’re essentially a glorified hole.

WOMAN
Thanks.

MAN
Well, the next step up from the hole.

WOMAN
Well what if I don’t want to be your hole substitute?

MAN
Well, then I guess they’ll kill you like the other women who proved incompatible.

(Woman is mortified.)

Kidding. Maybe they’ll increase the libido drug in your shake until you give in and have sex with me. Or maybe they’ll increase my libido until I give in and rape you.

(Woman is again mortified)

Kidding. Kidding. Man, they should have given you a shake before they brought you in here.
(quickly)
For the feel-good drugs, not the aphrodisiacs, of course.

WOMAN
I mean, what the fuck were they thinking? That they could just throw me in here, and I’d just jump on you?

MAN
Well, I don’t think they expected us to just immediately jump onto each other, but then again, maybe they don’t know that us humans don’t normally. What if all they know is the porn they give me? Either way, I’m not surprised they just threw you in here. That’s how they do it in zoos. They basically toss another animal in the cage. Hopefully they kick it off and start picking parasites out of each others coats immediately, instead of having the established animal kill the interloper for invading his territory. Most likely they’ll be indifferent or a little hostile at first, so they leave them together indefinitely hoping they’ll form bonds.

WOMAN
So, your saying I’m going to be stuck her with you?

MAN
Probably for quite a while.

(A pause. The woman bends over a little, folding her arms in her lap.)

You hungry?

WOMAN
A little.

MAN
Here…

(He bangs on wall, out comes a ledge with a cup on it.)

You can have the rest of my nutrient shake. I still have much left over from this morning.

(She seems resistant, but obviously hungry. Nonetheless, she shakes her head.)

WOMAN
Thanks anyway, but you can keep your mystery shake.

(He shrugs, takes a sip, and bangs the ledge away, keeping the cup in his hand. Another longish pause.)

Sooo… I gather that they want your sperm. But how do you know it’s for some breeding thing?

MAN
I don’t. I mean, if it were a breeding thing, then there would also have to be women somewhere else producing. Sperm alone does not a baby make, unless they’re cloning or something. But then why would they need so much? Hey, maybe that’s what you’re here for. Not just to get me to produce, but for you to produce too. Hey, we could be making babies soon!

(Woman doesn’t respond, just looks despondent.)

Babies for what, though, is what I wonder. I mean, will my sperm be used to create a thrull race of humans? Naw, I can’t imagine us being very good as slaves. Granted, some of us were once slaves. But if there are other intergalactic life forms, I can’t imagine frail humans being the best for slave labor.
(going off on tangent)
Unless, they use our sperm not just to propagate us, but also as a fuel or nutrient. Then, assuming they are cloning, it would be a continually replenishing source, seeing as each clone would essentially be me, and, as I mentioned before, I have a propensity to produce. Hmm…

WOMAN
Speaking of which, haven’t you ever thought, hey, maybe I won’t produce for them?

MAN
Actually, not really. Even if it ever became tedious, which I assume can happen. I’d probably still do it, for all I know, they could kill me if I don’t produce.

WOMAN
Seriously, you think they’d kill you?

(pause)

MAN
Are you sure you don’t want some?

(motioning with drink, woman thinks about it, looks like she’s about to.)

Hey, think of your alternatives.

(she takes the cup quickly and begrudgingly from him. Then quickly downs it. She curtly gives it back to him. Then returns to her seat, already she seems a little calmer.)

Well, that confirms my theory.

WOMAN
What theory?

MAN
I think they’ve been steadily upping my drugs as I’ve become resistant to them—or perhaps to make me more dependant on them. It’s obvious by your posture and manner that you are already feeling the effects. I’ve never felt the effects immediately when drinking the shake. You haven’t even begun to digest the shake and already a change has started, perhaps just from having the drugs pass over the mucus membranes in your mouth. That means two things.

WOMAN
What?

MAN
One, that in fact, they have been upping the drugs, and two, that within a few minutes we’ll know by how much.

WOMAN
How much?

MAN
Yes, how much it’s increased.

WOMAN
(very relaxed)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. I see.

MAN
Yes.

WOMAN
Yes?

MAN
Yes.

WOMAN
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

(short pause)

Huh.

(she walks over to the walls, and starts feeling them.)

So, what else pops out in here?

MAN
Well, I kind of already gave the deluxe tour. I can show you my futuroso toilet. If you are really curious what an alien-made toilet looks like.

(she walks over and lies on the bed, ignoring him and enjoying how the space age bed feels.)

WOMAN
No, that’s okay.

(she thinks for a second, smacks the wall and the porn panel comes down with porn music and explicit sounds. Man is aghast. Gingerly her hands move around her body. Then, slightly embarrassed, the woman looks around on the bed.)

Don’t alien beds have sheets?

MAN
(alarmed, having to talk loudly over sounds)
What? No. I mean. I don’t know. I mean…

(with effort, gets up, walks over to wall hits the panel to return the monitor, starts pacing)

What are you doing? Women don’t like porn. It’s degrading and subjugates them, and objectifies them, and is veiled sexual aggression. It’s vile; even we don’t like it, but its visual stimuli. Women don’t need visual stimuli, rather, they need intimacy, and romance, and solid committed relationships with partners who respect them and nurture them and listen when they talk, and, and… You don’t like porn! I mean, I don’t think you even like sex that much—oh sure, in theory, but not in practice. You like sex but only rose-petals, and scented candles, and bubble-baths-while-washing-each-other sex. You’re not a six pack and a skin-a-max movie type of people. I mean, you don’t like porn. Its by men, for men, and that stuff quote-end-quote “for the ladies”, is really just for gay men. Sure, perhaps your grandma who hasn’t gotten any in a 100 years will get titillated by some harlequin romance novel she actually did pay a dime for. But, that’s not porn. You don’t like porn.

(meanwhile, while he’s ranting, she’s gotten up, and has hit the wall to reveal the helmet, and APM, and hole. After hitting the hole, she thinks about it for a few seconds, then hits to put back. She then finds her shake, and gets the last bits out of it. Then she puts on the helmet, holding the empty shake in her hand. She reaches blindly over to the APM, holds it in her other hand, and turns towards him, just as he’s finishing.)

WOMAN
(speaking through the helmet)
Hey, you think this thing only works on prostates?

MAN
What? I don’t… Look, take that off.

WOMAN
Why?

(takes off helmet)

Does your thing work on more than prostates?

(Man is disgusted.)

How bout this. You get this,

(gesturing with APM)

I get that,

(gesturing to his lower region)

and we get off?

(Man is thoroughly disgusted, but then composes himself)

MAN
You are a vulgar, vulgar woman. But, I am a man. As such, turning down sex with an at least decent-looking woman is not an option, unless we know as a direct result we will later get fired, sued, injured, diseased, or forced to pay alimony and/or child support. One of the many gifts given to us to be Johnny Spermseeds is a strong resistance to negative sexual stimuli. I.e. we turn on easily, and get turned off hardly ever. So, despite your vulgarity, I could and would.

(she moves toward him, he retreats hastily)

However! The first thing I said to you was that I wouldn’t rape you, and I won’t…

(she moves towards him)

WOMAN
No, you told me what you’d do if you were going to rape me.

MAN
Yes, well, the point is, it’s obvious that this drink

(takes empty cup from hand)

has spurred these urges.

(he talks while he walks over to wall, bangs on it, puts the cup on the ledge, and lets the wall take it back.)

Were it not for this drink, I doubt you’d be acting like this. And any court of law would clearly see this as me taking advantage of you while intoxicated, which can be successfully prosecuted as rape.

WOMAN
Can I say “no”? Am I saying “no”?

MAN
No…

WOMAN
And as if, you hadn’t planned this. I’m sure you left this out…

(holds the alien lube from ledge in hand)

Just cause it accents the room so nicely. And the bed,

(she looks towards it, and throws the lube casually onto it)

because its so comfortable to sit on. Surely you would have me move from that hard ledge and sit beside you on it. And the drink, you offered, no doubt, to satisfy my hunger and slake my thirst. Certainly, you wouldn’t want to cull any other human bodily desires,

(she moves closed to him)

though you suspected yourself they were upping the special ingredients. Now you have me.

(she lies down on the bed)

MAN
But why would you drink it? I told you what was in it.

WOMAN
Perhaps so that it would be enough to for me to give in and actually have sex with you. Perhaps enough,

(grabs him and pulls him onto the bed on top of her)

to rape you.

(Man is thoroughly disgusted and mortified)

MAN
But… WHY?

(she flips them, so that he is now on the bottom, and she’s talking down to him)

WOMAN
Like you said, for all you know, they could kill you if you don’t produce.

(she grabs his crotch, she looks quizzical, she looks down to his crotch, his eyes follow, then she looks at him, and he looks sheepishly back at her. Lights fade.)