Nicotine has a strange effect when you don’t sleep. Foggy, but not unpleasant.

I lost my sunglasses recently. As such, I’m having to reaquaint myself with the sun. I’ve forgotten how bright the sun is. The sun is also very strong when you don’t sleep, but not altogether unpleasant.

Why am I not sleeping? Good question. Why am I not working on school work that most certainly needs to be done? Another good question.

I was so motivated once. I took 13 APs and 4 community college courses back in high school you know. I also wrote a lot more once.

Why is it hard to do work now? To write now?

I do have a girlfriend now, of nearly a year and a half. I know she’s not the reason I don’t work, I’ve come to admit. Why don’t we have more sex, another good question.

I know have chronic anxiety—my doctor seems to think I have chronic depression too. Supposedly the two go hand in hand, conveniently there are medications that supposedly take care of both. My doctor wants me to go on those “meds.” Somehow it would be okay if that medication was only for the anxiety.

I feel like I don’t make much sense anymore.

I wish I had a good, creative idea for this project, but I don’t. All I have is this misguided assumption that people might want to know what I am like. Or perhaps I have a need to “expunge my soul”—as I’ve referred to it many times before. Which is strange, because I always regret after the fact.

Perhaps I am lazy. Perhaps that is my problem. That’s what everyone else seems to think. It’s hard to disagree with them.

Am I alone here? Doesn’t anyone else ever feel like driving their car into the divider? Or burning things?

I wish I could die, sometimes, without actually dying. I mean, I wish I could just be over with it all, but I don’t want to kill myself. Why I don’t wan’t to kill myself—I haven’t yet figured out. But I figure since I don’t really know why I do want to kill myself, I should probably wait.