TimeAttack Reviews:
Firstly, these reviews are sorted arbitrarily solely according to when they were only-hypothetically dl-ed. There is no secondly.
Though, here's a song I recorded to put you in the mood. The intention is that you can listen to it while you read the reviews.
youkai-timeattack-morimoto.avi - 38 MB - 14:41
Reviewed: Sunday, August 29, 2004 11:28 PM
This is a fucking weird ass game. I had never heard of, nor seen, it before this. It's crazy japanesed out. As far as I can tell--as I have no intention of doing any researching--it's some kind of religious allegory, the only parts in english is the start/continue screen and the menu bar at the top with denominations for "power," "pious," and "money." I've watched it a few times now, and i still have no idea what's going on.
It starts with this little kid who walks into some japanese religious temple-like area. Then he has to side-scroll his way past some enlarged-foreheaded zombies and jump on some clouds to avoid some melting water-elemental thing, then he jumps over a bunch of melting people that are flailing in mud, then he picks up a money bag with a japanese symbol on it, then some japanese cards, then he has to jump around some tiny frogs, pick up some more money, go on a bridge, swim across past another melting water element, then go on land to blow air-bubbles at a large (i assume king-of-the) frog(s).
As soon as the green frog disappears, he gets transported to some place to play dice with a baby, a skeleton with a deranged partially-missing-flesh head, and giant toad (he looks just like the king frog, except he's brown not green, has an eye patch, and is smoking a pipe). The baby tosses the dice in the air, and the skeleton and toad laugh at the result. Clearly morimoto knows what options to chose, quickly selectiong and going to the next screen, so he wins every time and, at least, triples his money. Then he gets transported back, and starts swiming. First past a melting water-elem than a big-foreheaded green-swampthing thing, a green-faced red falcon flies over head, dropping what appears to be a tiny crab, he gets onto land starts hopping up the stairs over falling boulders.
Next he's in the woods, getting another japanese-symboled card, jumping over tiny frogs that fall from the sky, and suddenly there's a big floating head JUST like in "Big Trouble in Little China." Another big-headed zombie, another money bag, jumps on a boulder as he keeps speeding by. He gets stopped by a maroon, smiling, evil tree so he spits a steady stream of air bubbles at it till it flickers and goes away. ignoring the money that is left in its place, another floating head, more zombies, another box of japanese cards, maybe its a prayer book, then he goes down the rock stairs, he passes another green-faced red falcon and switches from day-light woods to spooky woods. jumps over one of the melting creatures who were in the mud, but now not in mud, jumps over another, a weird white mask comes floating after him, he falls some more. And now he has to fight some buffed out red demon guy with horns and a big grey club (that he never uses).
So here the protagonist kid starts coughing, and then coughs out a little flying angel girl, who flies over to the demon and the kid gets on his knees and starts rubbing his hands together in what looks like prayer and at attempt to create fire at the same time. The angel blows purple air bubbles (as opposed to the kid's brown ones) and they handly defeat the demon. The angel picks up the treasure chest afterward, and then the kid starts sucking in air, and sucks in the angel, and swallows her down. And that's just the first level.
After that, you get to buy food and other weird items from someone who looks a bit like dennis hopper. Then he meets a dog, who transforms into a bottle that he takes (which is just a big question mark in the inventory menu above [edit: sorry, he gets that from dennis hopper]). And later he has to do the prayer-make-a-fire thing with a smiling bearded guy holding a piece sign with his fingers--its some kind of button crunching thing where a meter fills as counter goes down, and when morimoto finishes it, the kid huffs and puffs in exasperation, and morimoto gets "pious" points. Eventually, he has to do this a lot in the game.
And in the next level, instead of a smiling purple tree, its a kneeling over-weight guy in dinosaur helmet (you know, that dino that was like the triceritops but without the tri-top...) and a white robe--he air bubbles it away, then he air bubbles and runs past a huge-headed guy in a robe with a staff, who really looks like a chernobyl accident. Then he sees a green, human-sized enchilada that turns into an adult female angel who then floats away to the top of the screen.
It's pretty much the same after that, with different colored backgrounds. You'll see a snake, a big detached hand, and at the end of the level, he has to fight the red devil's identical twin brother--who's blue, but with the same grey club--that he also never uses. He defeats this one the same, by coughing, then eventually burping out the little girl angel. The next level's got a whole new assortment of freaks, including loincloth-wearing maroon primates with horns, and brown primates that bounce with wings. Then a typical swim level, but better graphics than your average mario swim level, with red squid and blowfish. Eventually he meets with three green humanoids, one is near ralfing, and below them seems to be faaaded sea turtle. They take his money, and then he gets to ride on the half-masted-eyed turtle. They swim into a temple entrance (underwater).
There, you get to see the adult angel from before, in as scandalous pixels as you can get with 8 bit... She says a bunch of shit, he sits down, then she continues talking, and he turns around to face the audience with a drooling-sex-fiend face. Then she starts talking again, and then the lights start going down and coming back up, and each time they do, she is shown in yet another "sensual" position, modelling for him, showing off her legs, arching her back, sticking out her chest, all the while the kid intermittenly turns to the audience and gives the drooling-sex-fiend face. I think she's trynig to tempt him, or reward him?, or something, then the lights go back up and she stands back up in a respectible position, then transports him back to sit down with his new faded frog friend to look at all the japanese cards he's picked up. Then it's off to the next level.
More of the same, but i dig the trees and then the flowers in the background when he's fighitng the big green tree stump, the mountain background is also nice. One of this level's bad guys looks like a gay-biker-bar buffed-out dude with a giant scull for one cufflink, and on othe other hand, a big fireball--the burped angel proves he is no match though. Morimoto does some impressive cloud jumping over some spikes in this level. Then there's a big uh... brown-globular-cylandrical-looking thing with a face. Then he passes by a blue tusk-bearing, white-haired hag. With super super saggy tits, that are showing completely (here nipples, btw, are whitish-grey to match her hair). Then he goes to a big angry store clerk, and that was the end of that level.
The next level features a naked, bathing chick, with carefully placed arms in front of her chest, he swims out to her, and she disappears, then he climbs a rope to a cloud area where he bounces happilly then is transported back. then some more minicloud jumping--prettly deftly--and then back to the clouds where he meets a budda-but-thin-lookin guy sitting in the lotus position, in a toga and a cowboy hat. And that's the end of the game. At the very end is a screen that has a futuristic jets flying across the top, one has a banner that reads "You are Great!" Then the kid is in the middle. Above him is a flying green circle with one eye. To the kid's right is a green dude in a gladiator outfit, and a green chick in a nurse's outfit with a blue tiara and overly-teased hair. To his left is omething that looks like a green-pacman, next to him is a green dude in a football helmet and red boots, and behind them both, I SWEAR, is one of the members of KISS in full regalia. The kid then gives the player a bunch of two-finger peace signs. Its a fucking weird game. But its weird enough, that i think its worth watching.
supermariobros1-timeattack-mfried.avi - 15 mb - 5:27
Reviewed: Monday, August 30, 2004 8:01 PM
This is the first of the super mario bros. time attack videos that I would come to watch. I have three, and they all vary by maybe a few seconds, but each has a different playing style, though two are by the same guy. For example in this one, he does more jumping and avoiding, and always goes for the bottom of the pole at the end of the level (which always erked me for some reason). But in general they are the same. But the supermariobros1 timeattack played by ryosuke is probably my favorite, he plays with a lot more style. But the difference in negligible. This is a time attack you have to see for no other reason than, super mario bros. was a game we all had to play, after all it came standard with my NES, as I know it did yours.
zelda-timeattack-mfried.avi - 89 mb - 32:27
reviewed Monday, August 30, 2004 8:30 PM
Another by mfried. I have two zelda time attacks, one by mfried andt he other by sleepzteam, the difference in gameplay is very very slight. For one, I think mfried uses the sword-lazer shot thing more than sleepz who uses the bomb more to defeat enemies. I think, again, mfried may be missing something in the way of artistry. Though he doesn't use the "start continue" screen as a shortcut (i.e. to go from one side of the level to the other, sleepzteam would "continue" to go back to the beginning of the temple and be half the way there. In both cases though both show an extreme familiarity with the game, in knowing exactly where the enemies are going to be in a room, where they will move, and how to go from one edge of the screen to another as fast as possible for each screen. Also, when both players use bombs, both like to place them not directly up against the wall but actually a space diagonal to, on their way to get the , then get right up next to the spot where the hole will appear--evidentally they don't get harmed this way, and it's of course it shaves microseconds or whatever.
Anyway, part of the reason I like timeattack videos so much is because there's no way i'd have the time to play these games from beginning to end on my own. Now, the time attack video for Final Fantasy 2 (the japanese-not-released-in-us version) that! i'd like to see. As I played that game from beginning to end freshman year of college, and it took me one or two semesters of barely passing grades. Anyway, zelda's one of those games that just about everyone's already spent their not-as-valued-as-it-is halcyon days of youth playing to completion, and rather than starve yourself of nostalgia, but not overstuff yourself gorging by trying to play it again from beginning to end, watch a time attack.
kirbyadventure-timeattack-bisqwit.avi - 107 mb - 48:40
Monday, August 30, 2004 8:58 PM
Well, this is definitely one of your more repetetive timeattack videos. Especially since at the end of every level kirby has to do someo stupid jumping on a cloud for bonus points, and that's very repetative. Still the performance by bisqwit is pretty good. No real showboating though, at any time, which i like to see, but that's because there's no parts where the screen scrolls at a fixed rate. Just a continual comfortable execution. Nonetheless, the best part of kirbyadventure is actually in the art. The gameplay is repetetive, but the there's some very nicely detailed levels. The entire art direction of the game has a kind of simplistic and non-threatening nature to it, that would only look cheesy or saccharine in the hands of an american. I can see why girls like this game, as far as art is concerned. i mean, its full of rainbows, stars, clouds, and stars. but its not demeaning, it doesn't look like its made by "Rose Art" or whatever, and it's still pleasing to an adult (male or female--though american conventions of masculinity might balk). Still, its definitely much too long to just sit through, and watch through from start to finish. But it is good for playing in the background or if you skip around--the last bosses and the ending are definitely worth watching. it's also got pretty good music, but the sound of the "wheel" which he makes all the way through the levels, distracts from it. In general, not a must watch, except for fans of the game or this type of art design.
kungfu-timeattack-mfried.avi - 8 mb - 4:16
Reviewed: Saturday, 04-Sep-2004 1:43 AM
Now, I'm still not a huge fan of mfried, but i like this one. He plays with such percision, that the beauty is in the execution, with a play style that offers no grandstanding flourishes. He played fast and effectively, it was wonderful. I like the fact that it is such a a short timeattack video. A lot of it is repetative on the surface, for it must use so fewe elements to conserve space, but then you get the intricacies of the details in the minor changes. He plays it well, and it's a replay with good, well, replay value.
atlantis-timeattacak-morimoto - 10 mb - 3:08
Reviewed: Saturday, September 4, 2004 1:52 AM
I like this timeattack, but only for the music. I must confess. I never heard of it before this, and i'm pretty sure its a game that wasn't released in the US. It's fucking tight ass music, though. It's, I think, about 4 different electronica, almost symphonic sounding. Each one is quite entertaining. And the last song is really cool. I mean, I have no clue why there's a hundred zones, and why grey bats drop vanilla frozen yogurt from the sky. But the jumping at the end is kinda cool, as are the masks, the best is the music, definitely worth a watch.
princeofpersia-timeattack-mclaud2000.avi - 34 mb - 19:48
Saturday, September 4, 2004 2:33 AM
I just played this game a few years ago. I remember every level.very well. I was somewhat impressed with it then, and I am similarly impressed now. Playing it before gave me that appreciation to say "ah, to get through those two chomping doors you need a rhythm corresponding to a walking pace." Still the best part of the game was learning the secrets of each level, after you have learned them, doing the level becomes rote. And there isn't really much flair to this game, the music isn't nearly as good, and repetetive for the replay's entire 20 minutes. This is more like a review of prince of persia as if it were played by anyone. I don't see any difference between each of the bad guys except for being green, red, or blue. They all die in three hits the same. The jumping especially is difficult to master, but once it's mastered, there's really no greater depth of intricacy. Anyway, for just a few pixels, the last chick is pretty hot, I'd write more, but I've been derailed via AIM by a friend.