unrepresented

Hello everybody, and welcome to my bit.  It's a part.  Of something whole…  And missing.  Check it.
I just recently got carded.  Oh, I don't mean that way, where the doorman asks to see your ID.  I am used to that.
I just got my medical marijuana license recently.  And it's weird, you know?  You're used to going to some guy's house and hearing Foghat in the background.
I thought just putting Foghat in the sentence made it funny.
You know what makes pot smokers like golfers?  They both orgasm over a little patch of green. [putt and orgasm] (Or: "Then I wrote 'putt and orgasm' but I ain't doin' that shit."]
Just open that bag, get a wiff, it's called aromatherapy.  "Open bag and wiff" says my notes, what the fuck am I doing, I can't remember this shit.  That's crossed out, this is going to be double-crossed out.
I got a medical license right?  Now I don't go to guys houses and get serenaded with sounds of Foghat.
That what my best friend thinks they play, but maybe he thinks that just 'cause he's gay.
But, of course, in a fabulous way.
People with gay friends know what I'm talking about, you can't say the word gay without reaffirming that it isn't in a derogatory connotation.
Otherwise you can't use the word "gay" or for that matter the f-word, ever.  You can't ever say, "that's Foghat," and mean it in a cool way.
See gays and potheads need to stick together, because blacks and women now are in the highest level of political power. 
I assume, though, at our pace of cultural integration, the next president will be gay and a pot smoker.
Then I will have nothing to make fun of.
Some might say we've already had both.  You do the odds, we probably have had closeted versions of both.  Or, I don't know, maybe Thomas Jefferson came by congress with some doobies. 
Some say Buchanan was gay.  At least one president?  I'd put money on those odds.
But a pot smoker?  Maybe in the agrarian  days.  Imagines Obama in his second term saying fuck it, moving to cali and getting a medical card.
Being a medical card holder is strange.  I'm legal, which means I can go to dispensary and pay more for legal herb.
Oh, but the selection, they say.  Have you heard the names of these strains?  "Green crack," now that's not going to scare your mother.  "AK-47."   "Darkness."  (Of course I smoked all of them.)  I'm going to invent my own and call it "Carebear Sunshine."
Really, what's the difference between Prozac and weed, except weed gets your eyes red?
I know, because its like having strawberries in my eye sockets.
But could you imagine if people started to get proud and shit?  Motorized recliners in a stoner parade?
I should design bathrooms.  I'd make them intricate labyrinths that you'd get lost in trying to find your urinal.  And even the urinals would have stall doors.  I don't see how some people can just gather around a big hole and pee into it.
Masturbation is the cheapest form of sex.  If God, or whoever, made sex pleasurable to encourage us to do it, he/she had the good sense to make it pleasurable even when you can't find someone else.  Otherwise, I am sure of it, mankind would go insane.
But porn is icky.  Necessary, but icky.  There are so much… fluids involved.  Entering in and out of bodies, it's really quite gross.
I'd make the best porn editor though.  One thing we (meaning het. men) can do without is the shot of the guy's face as he's orgasming.  The fact is, you can at least pretend someone else's genitalia is yours, that's why men's faces are basically antithetical to porn.  And yes, I did use "antithetical" and "porn" in the same sentence.
You know what else is a handy card to have, besides a medical marijuana card?  The "I have a boyfriend" card.  Of course, there's also the "I have a girlfriend" card, but that doesn't get used NEARLY as much.  And the best thing is you don't have to even have a boyfriend to have the "I have a boyfriend" card.
But you gotta know when to use that card.  If you're trapped in a burning building, if you say you have a boyfriend, the fireman might just save the cat instead of you.  "The chick was under a lot of heavy stuff."  "Was she hot?"  "She had a boyfriend?"  "Oh, well, you clearly made the right decision."
So, I have a cat.  Actually we're a codependent little duo.  I like to think he'd starve if I wasn't there for him every night.
I'm trying online dating, but I'm kinda bummed they don't have a "are you a drug addict?" question on their questionnaire.  And of course the requisite "do you care if she's a drug addict?" question.  I feel unrepresented.